Saturday, February 6, 2010

Hey Carol...

I'm walking. Well. Actually, I don't know if what I'm doing can be considered walking. Y'know how you see those people (mainly the older ones, but some young ones) who have the walkers with the tennis balls on the bottom, and they're in their pj's and slippers and they're sliding/shuffling across the floor? They're pushing the walker and dragging their feet behind them? Yea, that's what I'm doing, only minus the walker and the pj's and the being old thing.

I've been a combination of being in the depths of despair (The Princess Bride) to having a bad case of the mean reds (Breakfast at Tiffany's) and just hiding away lock stock and barrel. So, after four weeks of avoiding God and Bob (dudes, they're one in the same...actually, three in the same that whole Trinity thing lol) and their incessant chatter of 'I'm here", "come", and "HELLOOOOOOOOO, Gina, you can run but you can't hide", I decided it was time to come home.

It started Thursday evening. I went back to the light weigh bible study. I did not want to go. I don't think that stresses it enough...I DID NOT WANT TO GO. In marriage encounter terms, you know the feeling you get when you're going home to visit family, but you really don't want to go b/c there is always family drama, and sure the food is good, and the first five minutes of seeing everyone is good but then you run outta stuff to talk about b/c you don't want to touch the sore subjects and so you dance around the elephants in the room uncomfortable and then someone either has too much to drink or nothing to drink and just likes poking bears (and elephants) and get's the ball rolling and arguments ensue and you look around you and wonder how you came out of this family so sane, relatively speaking? That feeling of dread you get in the car on the way there and the agita you get and all the deep breathing techniques in the world aren't going to help you....yea, that feeling. That's how much I didn't want to go to bible study on Thursday night.

George. George says why go if you don't want too. I tell him I needed too. I so didn't want too, but I knew that if I didn't, I would continue this downward spiral that seems to take hold of me every so often. It's black. It's black and it's cold and it's empty. It's fake smiles and I'm good how are yous? I needed to go. I needed it as a lifeline to pull me out of the lightening sand (I promise you I haven't been watching the Princess Bride, it just seems like it! lol). So, I went out of need.

And I see my Liz (Brier) there. She is so happy to see me and it was lovely seeing her. I explain to her and my Julia (Evans) how while I am glad to be there, I am not ready to be there. Not spiritually anyways. They understand and am just glad that I am there. The whole evening (it started with the drive there) I wanted to run. On the way there, I got a headache. Dude, I live SEVEN minutes away and halfway there I got a headache, but instead of turning around and going home, I popped some advil and went. Then, during the meeting, I kept having a fight or flight response. I stayed glued to my seat. It was hard, but I just figured it was the devil at work. Dude, why he bothers with me, I'll never know. Probably b/c I am such a challenge? I told him in no uncertain terms years ago that no matter what he does, he's never getting my soul. See, I know something that he doesn't. I know, I know for a fact, deep in my soul, that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, God loves me. He forgives me, b/c I am human and that gives me the freedom to learn and grow and make mistakes (lots of them). I know that God knows my heart, even when I make bad decisions. So the devil keeps trying to attack me and I keep trying to ignore him. So, this is why I stayed glued to my seat.

Then, Friday rolled around. I shuffled even more. I went to noon mass. And, as much as I like to joke with the kids, the holy water didn't burn when I put it on. And, Father Tim's homily was just for me. It was about being normal or as normal as we can be. Then, a friend from Cheddar's called and we had lunch at my beloved Cheddar's. I got to see some of my former co workers/friends that I haven't seen in a while, and the cool part was two people in particular, my Will and my Mary Lou. They gave me hugs, really tight big 'I've missed you' hugs. Not the pat on the back obligatory hugs. It was great. I felt very loved. It was a beautiful, beautiful day.

So, I made a list. A lenten list of things I'd like to change, add, remove during the coming lenten season. Y'know, can't put new wine in old wine skins thing. Me, I say forget the wine, just have a beer, but somehow, I don't think that's the point of the parable. I'm going to try to impliment the changes. While I'd like all to work, I know me, and my ocd/adhd/control freak self. I figure, I'll take the spaghetti approach. I'll throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.

So, I'm not exactly walking, but you gotta learn to crawl before you can walk. And, while I know how to walk and always stop, I look at it like I keep having to go back to rehab/physical therapy and learn how to walk all over again. So, these last two days, I'm moving my legs and shuffling. Not too bad a start.

Until next time,
What are you giving up for lent?


No comments: