Sunday, February 28, 2010

Throughout these forty days

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. Life, Lent and other stuff has been going on. Like most of my blogs, I have an idea what I want to say but not sure how it's gonna turn out in the end. I can tell you this one is gonna be a while, so you might want to go grab yourself a cup of tea (or whatever your pleasure) and sit back and enjoy.

I was talking to Dad last night (George's, the best dad E V E R) and in the course of the conversation he mentioned a series of Ingmar Bergman films, a trilogy actually. Through A Glass Darkly, Silence, and Winter Light. The series ask questions about God. Now, in listening to Dad talk about Mr. Bergman's other films, it is apparent to me that his films are not my favorite genre and that's okay. Then as we're talking he mentions that in one of the movies (I forget which one, please forgive me) that they say that the agony that Jesus felt during his crucifixion is not the pain that grieves him so, it is the emotional pain that is more great.
Realizing that Peter, his disciple does in fact, deny him, that through all the time he has spent with Peter and the other disciples, they really don't get him and why he's here. Ever since this conversation, I have been meditating on this thought. Not meat and potatoes meditating, mind you, but more surface meditating. I even was thinking about it during Mass today. And, here's my thoughts so far. So far meaning I'm pretty sure this thought is going to stay with me for a while, it's a powerful thought and I'm sure I'll have more thoughts about it later, lol.

If I had the choice to pick a pain, I think I would pick physical over emotional pain on most days. Physical pain, you can pop a pill and at least it dulls and eventually, you don't notice the dull ache. Emotional pain grips you for what seems like forever and doesn't let go. I'm sure we've all experienced emotional pain, some of us more than others. There are even people out there like me in the respect that they can be over emotional or feel things extremely deeply. This leads to emotional hurts quite often. But I digress. Here's what I've been thinking. Picture Jesus. He knows what's coming. He knows that His friend, one of his best friends, is going to deny Him. He knows why it has to happen, but I'm sure He's still hoping that it won't happen. Then it does. I get hurt, my feelings get hurt, very easily. Too easily. Not that I would ever admit that outside of here (so shhh! lol). I am not Jesus. He's so strong, but imagine His heart. His Divine Heart. How much pain that denial had to have caused him. I get hurt when people don't understand me, understand what I'm trying to do, or to say. It makes perfect sense to me that Jesus would feel the same way at Peter's denial. Then, if that wasn't enough, His friend Judas. In my head, Judas was a friend of Jesus, but not as good a friend as Peter and John were. Again, one of Jesus' friends does this. And, I'm sure Jesus knew that satan had entered into Judas (see Lk 22:3) and that Judas wasn't acting of his own accord. Still that had to hurt. So, imagine all this hurt. The weight of it all. Remember last time I was talking about the depths of despair? I picture it worse than that. All that emotional pain, all that agony and still He climbs, HE CLIMBS on the cross for ME (and you and you and you). I felt awful before when I thought it was just the agony of the pain of the scourging and the crowning of thorns. The whips that drew flesh from His skin. Then, this week, I get an email reminding me of His hurt shoulder (never realized that before), and I felt so saddened, yet so loved that He climbed on the cross. Now, to think of the emotional pain that I never thought of before that just kind of makes the cross He carried that much heavier. Wow. Powerful stuff, huh? I can't stop thinking about it. How He asked for the cup to be passed. How many times do I, do we do that? Lots. But He wanted God's will, not His. Isn't it funny how most of us want God's will for ourselves as long as it aligns with our own? I know I'm that way! lol

These forty days of lent, week one down, has been nothing short of interesting. It takes me a while to realize it, but wow, has satan been trying to get at me (and you I'm sure). In fact, I spoke with my mom at great lengths today. Actually, she spoke, I listened. What!? Yes, I actual stop talking sometimes! lol She had a lot to say and as the conversation was winding down all I could think was how she was so being attack by satan. I didn't tell her this. But, I am praying that he goes away. And, as I did, he snuck the thought into my head that if he was bothering her, he wasn't bothering me. Did I want him back to bother me? And, while I want to say no...I pondered for a while and I think I decided on a yes. Not that I want to go round after round with him. Truly, I don't. But, while my mom is a spiritual person, I have something she does not. Sadly. I have friends. I have friends, gurus, and advisers. I have people to help me fight or to turn and run quickly lol. My mom and others do not have anyone to help them fight. Actually, I think I remember Father Tim saying something about not fighting the devil, so I don't need to fight actually, just realize when I'm being attacked and call on Jesus. That's what you guys can help me with :) So, for those who cannot face satan, who especially through these forty days are going to be attacked, shouldn't we stand up for them? How many times a day am I like Peter? "I love you, Lord, why do you keep asking me?" Then, when He asks me to spend time with Him, I turn away?" My Julie and I like to say that Peter is our big brother. He has helped us through many a trial and many more to come, I'm sure. But, Peter is also the perfect example of humanness. That you can love God with all your heart and still, in our humanness let Him down. But, see the ending of the story is awesome. After Jesus' resurrection, Peter is so remorseful. Not the fake "I'm sorry" but actually, gut wrenching, heart piercing, sorrow. And, Jesus knows. Jesus *knows* and He basically tells Peter to get over it, it happened and now, I've got work for you! Isn't that what He tells all of us? We are sorrowful for our sins, in what we have done and what we have failed to do (I so love that prayer) and God says, 'it's done, it's over, I have work for you.'

It's now week two of Lent. And, if the last week and all this introspection is any indication, He is working major stuff in all of us during the next two weeks. Enjoy the ride. If you are being attacked, just call on Mother Mary and she will come swiftly to your aide (from our church calendar a couple years ago

Until next time,
If you are being attacked, just call on Mother Mary and she will come swiftly to your aide (taken from our church calendar a couple years ago) :)


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