For Mike...

Mike is an awesome family friend, from way back in the day. Before kids, before marriages, before *life* happened. I've blogged about him before, the rainbow connection, actually. He is an amazing guy with an amazing faith, who apparently, has the mind of an elephant and doesn't forget anything. lol

In the past four weeks, life has taken weird twists and turns. I found myself iming with Mike last night, who not only was offering support, but also reminded me I haven't blogged in a while. So, Mike, this one's for you. lol

Most of you know I went to Montserrat last week. I had an amazing time! Jesus had lots to say to me. It was way cool. The coolest I think, is that He showed me that I've finally forgiven myself for tying my tubes 13 years ago. As you all know, I've confessed this. Twice. Yes, God has forgiven me, but I couldn't do it myself. I look at my now three teenagers. I look at George. I want to have more children. Everyone around me is pregnant. Most of my friends. I like to joke, that sex aside, I am the common denominator in all of their pregnancies. So, if you don't want to be pregnant, stay away from me! lol. But, I digress. I didn't realize, I had finally forgiven myself. Jesus had to point that out. And, it was so freeing. It was wonderful.

Jesus also had another conversation with me that went like this:

Jesus: You loooooooooove to tell people how I provide for you.

Me: Yes, Dad, of course I do!

Jesus: You looooooooove to tell people how I meet your needs, all the time.

Me: But, you DO!

Jesus: Chuckles. Right, I know. So, I'm providing all your needs, right?

Me: Yes, Dad. (Jesus, and God are interchangeable for me. The whole Trinity thing lol).

Jesus: So, I'm providing benefits through you, right?

Me: Yes...

Jesus: And, I'm providing work for George so you can meet your bills, right?

Me: Yes, Dad.

Jesus: Then, what is your problem? Why are you so focused in on this permanent job status with George? I'm providing your needs. You have to let this permanent job status thing go.

Me: Ooooooooooooooookay, you make a good point!

So, that was another thing I got to let go of this weekend. George also said last night, that I need to let the fasting thing go. I've been fasting from pop for the last seven months until George got a permanent job. George says that God appreciates the effort but that with the aforementioned message, it's okay to let it go. So, maybe later today, my first coke or Dr. Pepper in seven months :)

Then, one of my favorite parts of the weekend came after I got home. George and I got to spend time, just us. It was just he and I for almost a couple of hours just talking about the last four days apart. What happened with the kids, his job, my weekend. It was a really beautiful moment.

This past week has been pretty rocky. As most of you know, my Mema is dying. Her time is short. And, truth be told, I'm okay with that. I am immensely happy for her. For me, not so much. George and I told the kids. While sad, their compassion floored me. Maria's first question was "can we find money to get you to Great Grandma?" (no) Sarah's question was "Is Gramma 'O' gonna be okay?" (yes, eventually). Jaime was more reserved and opted to call Great Grandma and Gramma 'O' the next day. It was a beautiful thing to experience the hearts of my children.

During this time, I am resisting the deep pull to go into myself. It is a daily struggle to not dig a hole and stay in there. To stay in bed and not come out. I so want to retreat into myself. I may for a little while, eventually. But right now, I have to work. I have to be mom. Later. Later I'll fall in the hole. And, God love George. He says to go in the hole when I'm ready. He'll be here the whole time. To do what I need to do. I don't know, we'll see.

Then, in one of the coolest moves, I get up in the middle of the night and notice I had a text from my sister at midnight, just checking on me, asking if I was okay. Way cool. So, I texted her 'yup' and that I loved her. She called me this morning and we had a really great talk for like an hour. She rocks.

Then, when I got off the phone, a realization hit me that I shared with George. Y'know how I have a hard time accepting that I have friends? Weird, I know. Like, it boggles the mind that Carol and Tina and Julie and Sharon and Mary (Branson and Boyle) (and everyone else) are my friends. My friends. I'm not *exactly* what people call *normal* (for example, at the retreat, I gave God a two page list of prayer request and a three page list of thanks. I was hoping that the thanks page was gonna be longer, lol And, one of the things I thanked Him for, was the color orange. What? It's my favorite. lol). Well, my sister's friendship boggles my mind. After all this time, she and I came out the other side, and we are friends. It boggles my mind that she loves me. I mean, really loves and cares about me. And, that is something, like my friendships, that I am thankful for and like all of God's works, totally in awe of.

The next week is gonna be a whirlwind. Well, the weekend anyway. I work Monday and then have the rest of the week off (thank you TAKS testing!). Then Friday, Dad comes to town (George's Dad, but I claim him as my own :), Friday evening is confirmation rehersal. Saturday morning, Maria is getting confirmed!!! For those of you wondering, she chose the AMAZING St. Thérése as her saint! She's Julie's and my favorite! Don't get us wrong, they're all awesome, but St. Thérése, she's our girl! Then, on Monday, Jaime turns 16!!! Amazing. So, lots to celebrate this week.

So, My Mike, there you have it. Nothing profound, nothing life altering. But, an update for you, nonetheless.

Until next time,
Please pray for a peaceful death for my Mema

Love,
Me

Up next: my book called What Not to Say to the Grieving....lol