It's the third week of Advent. The week of joy.
I can honestly say I haven't felt the Christmas spirit yet. And, if I'm honest, I don't know if I'm going to this year. I've joked that the only way I'll get the Christmas spirit this year is if I'm visited by 4 ghosts on Christmas eve.
Grief sucks, man.
I said it before and I'll say it again. I miss my Mama more than I ever thought possible. I miss her hugs, her wisdom, her laugh, and her joy. I miss her telling me that everything is going to be okay.
But, I'm alive. I'm here, and I'm trying. Sort of. Fr. Mike's homily this week was a good one (they usually are) and it resonated with me. He talked about how we come to Jesus. I'm paraphrasing here, do we come to Him as we truly are? Are we honest with ourself on who we truly are? Do we hide parts of ourself from Him? After listening to this, it has sent me inward the last 24 hours.
I always felt/thought I came to Jesus as I am. What you see is what you get. That I want His will (mostly) in my life. I come to Him in prayer for myself and others. I've always said, I don't front. I'm not a thee and thou girl. I'm a here's what's going on, Dad, girl. Going inward these last 24 hours, I realized I kinda do front.
I'm broken. Way more than I ever thought or realized. I get up everyday, slap a smile on my face, and do what needs to be done. But, the smile isn't as genuine as it use to be. Yes, I miss my father-in-love. Yes, I miss my Mama. Yes, I miss estranged family members. Yes, I'm blessed beyond measure. But, if I'm honest, I've been lying to God and myself. I'm angry. Hurt. Tired. I keep saying this path that I've been on for the last three years is my joy to walk. And, it is. But, mostly, I hate it. I had a different future with my family planed. I had way more joy, laughter, trips, vacations, laughter, date nights, and family time envisioned. Not fighting with insurance, doctor visits, hospital stays, strained relationships, or funerals. I don't like this path I'm called to walk. But I walk it, because He asked me to. Do I walk it joyfully? Some days yes, some days, no. I'm envious of others (not in a I don't want you to have it, but I want it too way). Of their family relationships, of their trips, their vacations, their traditions, their date nights. That's what I had planned. I'm hurt that I don't get that. I feel like a little kid having a tantrum "it's not fair". But as my Mama always said "whoever told you life was fair was lying to you". I want God's will. I honestly do. But, if I'm honest, I also want my will. Can't they coincide every once in a while?
One particular night, in the middle of the night, I awoke to use the restroom and I remember clearly talking to God "I will walk this path because you're asking me too", I said. I don't like this path I'm being asked to walk. But I walk it out of obedience and love for Him. And, this path has brough unexpected blessings. That said, I know His plans are always better than mine. I know He has a future for me full of love and hope. Is He trying to teach me something, probably. Most likely. Do I know what it is yet? Nope. Not a chance. But, I trust in Him. And, so I walk, putting one foot in front of the other.
Yes, I'm broken, for now. On the plus side, I'm not fronting anymore (I didn't realize I was). And now, maybe, I can begin to heal and find my joy.
Wishing you a blessed Advent season.
Love,
Me
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