Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I am loved

That is a weird statement for me to say. It sounds conceited and I am anything but. I've mentioned on more than one occasion how it is difficult for me to accept compliments, praise, and love. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't feel as if I've done anything to warrant them. I'm just being me and how can being me elicit that?

The thing about love within a friendship is that you know how much you love the person but you truly don't know how much you are loved in return. You don't know what scale other people measure there love on. So, usually, I just say 'thank you' and I downplay how much people love me. Again, the opposite would be conceited to think that I am loved more than I really am. Yes, truly I have a dizzying intellect (shout out to the princess bride!). I can tell you without reservations that George loves me a lot. We have been together ten years. He puts up with all my failings and faults and still hasn't run screaming for the hills. (side note: why is it people always run screaming for the hills? How come they never run down the street or to the store or even downhill for that matter?) That is love.

Then, there is Carol. We have been best friends for five years. And, she too has not gone screaming. I know without a doubt how much Carol loves me. Just as much as I love her. There is nothing she wouldn't do for me. I just have to name it. And, she gives the best 'everything is gonna be okay, I'm here' hugs.

Then, there's the people from St. Jude's. I run into them everywhere. People I don't see very often like Lisa Harvey. She saw me shopping today and made a point to stop and say 'hi' and tell me she loves me.

~a little background here~ Yesterday turned out to be my last day at work to the shock and awe to all of us who work together. Next week was suppose to be my last day. So, no cake for me (not that my backside needs more cake, l0l!). Needless to say, I was heartbroken. I even called my friend this morning to tell her to get my friend his morning coffee. It is a routine I have been doing for the past 6 months at least. And, although I'm starting Olive Garden in a couple of weeks, leaving my friends behind made me sad. So, while I was out and about today I headed to adoration. After all, He is the only one who truly understands my heart. I lamented about missing my friends and the 'we'll keep in touches' and how people rarely do. Then, God got to work.

I was out and about and got a call. I didn't look to see who it was, I just hit the bluetooth and said 'hello'. I was greeted with "Hola, Mami!" It was my friend from work who we dubbed Papi. He was calling to tell me how much they missed me at work today; how his son who works there wished I was there; that it just wasn't the same. Then, he heard the sadness in my voice and told me not to cry (I wasn't yet, but I was getting there) and how much he loved me. That made me feel loved. I told George "I've been gone a day and I am heartbroken." "To know that after that same day, they miss me too makes me feel loved." It's amazing how fast God works!

There are other's who love me, this I know (Kim, Tina) while I am learning to accept it, it still boggles my mind. I am the one who loves people, not the one who is loved. I am the one who is there for people. It is one of those anomalies that you don't know why things are, you just accept that they are. Like in binary code one plus one equals three. You don't understand how or why, you just accept it. Actually, you have to accept it or it throws of the whole course and then you'll fail computer programming in college ;)

So, while it is hard for me to say (aside from George and Carol and Tina and Kim), I am loved. It is the most wonderful, awkward feeling.

That is what Christmas is all about. It's not about the presents (and we all know how much I likey my presents!). Yes, it's about a baby in a manger. But more than that, it's about how much that baby loves me. How He gave his life for me. How He loves me no matter what. Talk about not feeling worthy of you guys' love, His is on a grander scale! There are so many days where I don't feel worthy of His love and every Sunday, every single one, He tells me over and over how much He loves me and that He makes me worthy.

That is Christmas.

Until next time,
Snuggle with your family, enjoy the cool weather and I'll see you at 10pm Mass on Thursday.


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