Confessions from the desk of the depressed

Today, I went to adoration. I hadn't been in a good long while, too long for me actually, a couple months I think. While I'm there, I did a lot of talking to Dad (God), I gave Him everything, and then some. Then, I sat and waited. We all know how patient I am . So finally, I asked Him "Okay, Dad, what do you want to tell me?" He replied that today was about me coming to Him. It wasn't about His answers. It was about me making the time to go visit Him and spend time with Him. Powerful, no?

As I am giving Him the barrage of what is weighing on me I start to think of the Cross and focus on the Cross. And, the more I thought about it, we're not just carrying A cross, we're carrying a bunch of little crosses too. I likened it to a Christmas tree. The tree can be any size, but it is adorned with ornaments. Our Cross we carry can also be any size, but instead of adorning it with ornaments, we adorn it with smaller Crosses. They're the ones we help others carry, at least I like to think so.

The other thing that struck me during adoration was compliments. I don't know if it's a woman thing, a middle child thing, or a Cancer (the astrological sign not the disease) thing. But, I have a hard time accepting compliments. Even something as simple as 'dinner was good'. Ask George, I drive him crazy. I think he only says 'dinner was good' so he doesn't hurt my feelings lol I always feel that I can do better, make a better meal, be a better friend, be a better wife. I'm constantly pushing myself and at times berating myself to do and be better. We were watching a show the other night and they commented on how in a relationship how one is the settler and the other is the reacher. I told George he was definitely the settler. He disagreed. That didn't sit well with me. Most of the time, I feel people look at us, George and I as a couple and wonder why God put us together. That he could have done so much better. Some one prettier, skinnier, smarter, funnier, kinder, just all around *better*. Usually, I tell these people that I am his penance and he is my saving grace. I feel that every day. The weird thing is two of my talents from God (the others are still hidden that's why they're called hidden talents) are Exhortation and Mercy. Yet, I cannot use this on myself. Why is it that we look at others beauty and talents through a 50" flat screen hd plasma tv yet we look at our own through a thimble? When you find the answer, please share b/c I'm sure I can't be the only one who is dying to know.

Then, after adoration I talked to Patti briefly (she totally rocks!) We've been talking quite a bit over the last few days. In the course of our conversations, we talked about confession. I told her I hadn't been in way too long, April, and that was too long. But, since Father Antony is gone (a year tomorrow :( ) and Father Tim has way too much on his plate, I don't want to take time from him, that leaves Fr. Tuan. And, I'm just not feelin it. So, after talking to Patti, I run into the church office real quick and guess whose by the front desk? Yup, Fr. Tuan. So, I hear God telling me to go to confession. Drats! So, I ask Fr. Tuan how he is and if he is busy. Good, and no. Then, I ask him if he has time for a confession. Of course he does! I confess my sins, get absolution and am done in like five minutes. I don't mean to blasphemy, truly, I don't, but since Fr. Antony left, confession is just lacking *something*! Sure, I get absolution. But to me, that's not the point of confession. It's about being there one on one with Jesus and *feeling* his presence and *feeling* his forgiveness. Lately, the last few times I've been to confession, I'm just not feeling it. Does that make me a bad Catholic? Am I looking for something that I can no longer get and that when I did have it was just part of confession with Father Antony? Sigh, I don't know.


All in all, today was a spiritually busy day. My head hurts from all wondering, talking, and confessing. So, I will leave you with this thought 'you can be 1,000 miles away from God. It only takes one step to come back to Him'.

Until next time,
Pray for the women's crhp outreach for St. Anthony's

love,
Me

Father's Day

You know what I despise? I mean other than liver, tuna, and mean people. I totally and utterly despise shopping for Father's Day cards for my Dads. Yes, that's Dads as in plural. First we have my Dad, Joe. The man who 'raised' me. And by raised I mean sat on the couch watching tv, mowed the yard, and generally said 'no' to everything. He has mellowed over the years and we've come to an understanding of sorts, especially since my trip home last August. The understanding is this, I know he loves me the best he knows how. It's not how I needed to be loved growing up, but he loves me to the best of his ability and at almost forty-one years of age, I accept that. Now, try finding a Father's Day card for him! It bother's me to no end b/c they're all about how great the dad was growing up, how much he taught his daughter over the years, how he supported/supports her and encouraged/encourages her. Yea, that man, he's a man I would've liked to have known growing up and every year I go to look at the cards and I feel the same way. Sure, I've forgiven him for not being what I thought he should have been. And, yes, I love him b/c he is my dad. That doesn't make reading these cards any easier. And, I can be sane and rational about this 364 days a year, it's just that one day, that *one* day, when I go, I get irritated. I've gotten better mind you. Now, I don't get irritated for too long (this post notwithstanding) and I try to keep the past in the past.

On the flip side, we have my Dad, George. Technically, he's George's Dad. But, he has been my dad for the last ten years that George and I have been married, and before that, he was my friend for two. He is awesome! He is full of love, and support, and encouragement. He never makes you feel like an idiot. One of my favorite things to do is to make him smile or chuckle it just makes my day. Dad knows how much I love him. I've told him. I've written it in cards and in letters. And, the coolest thing? He loves me just as much as I love him. I look up to and admire him. He is a huge source of strength. I have disappointed him a time or two, totally unintentional, and he let me know it. But after he says his piece, he moves on from it. Now, try finding a card for him! All the Father-in-law cards have no weight behind the words. Especially, the 'from the both of us' cards. Some years, I find a really great from 'your daughter' card that doesn't talk about 'when I was little" and I get to send those. And, that makes me happy. But, finding them, not so much a fan as it takes forever. Today, today was that day. Looking for cards. So, I end up doing what I do every year. I find a card for my dad, George and then I'll end up calling my dad for Father's day. It's not always easy finding the generic Father's Day card that's blank inside. But, it's only Tuesday. I still have time!

Until next time,
Pray for the souls in purgatory.

Love,
Me

Some days, I hate being human. I know that doesn't make much sense. I love my life, truly I do. Even the crosses that I have to carry. But, some days, my soul just gets so tired and I hate being human. Let me explain a little more. My faith is a good faith. It's like goldilocks, just the right size for me. And, I know no matter what is thrown my way that everything is going to be okay b/c God is in control and not me. But, then there are days when my faith, while still there, is out of wack. It's like, even though I know God has it all taken care of, I want to know how. I want to know when! Those are the days when I hate being human. So, on those days, I talk to myself (more than usual) and I remind myself that God has a plan. And, while I know He does, I am so unbelievably tired of that mantra. I know, I know, chin up, things could be worse. Trust me, you're not telling me anything I haven't told myself. My main source of angst is George's job. He's been working without a contract for four weeks. I can't fix it. I can't get him a job I can't make it better. Only God can. And, it seems no matter how much I pray it doesn't get any better. So, then I think, God has George at this job for a reason. I don't know what that reason is and apparently I'm not suppose to know the reason. This is very ANNOYING. Sigh.

Here's some news for you, I'm depressed. Not like, it's just a bad day tomorrow will be better. No actually depressed. The meds Dr. B put me on haven't kicked in yet. I think they have a little as I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. So, that's a good thing. But, on the whole, I don't feel like myself, which is weird for me. I mean I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy. I'm not excited or angry. I just kind of am. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm okay. Just not exactly feeling like me. I'm trying not to worry and not obsess over things I don't have control over (read everything! lol). I am truly blessed I know that. And, so I am trying to concentrate on my blessings. I see my friends struggling with things and I so want to help them, yet I can't. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time and some days, it one minute at a time.

Until next time,
Have a beer or a glass of wine and spend time with the one you love :)

Love,
Me