Thursday, June 17, 2010

Confessions from the desk of the depressed

Today, I went to adoration. I hadn't been in a good long while, too long for me actually, a couple months I think. While I'm there, I did a lot of talking to Dad (God), I gave Him everything, and then some. Then, I sat and waited. We all know how patient I am . So finally, I asked Him "Okay, Dad, what do you want to tell me?" He replied that today was about me coming to Him. It wasn't about His answers. It was about me making the time to go visit Him and spend time with Him. Powerful, no?

As I am giving Him the barrage of what is weighing on me I start to think of the Cross and focus on the Cross. And, the more I thought about it, we're not just carrying A cross, we're carrying a bunch of little crosses too. I likened it to a Christmas tree. The tree can be any size, but it is adorned with ornaments. Our Cross we carry can also be any size, but instead of adorning it with ornaments, we adorn it with smaller Crosses. They're the ones we help others carry, at least I like to think so.

The other thing that struck me during adoration was compliments. I don't know if it's a woman thing, a middle child thing, or a Cancer (the astrological sign not the disease) thing. But, I have a hard time accepting compliments. Even something as simple as 'dinner was good'. Ask George, I drive him crazy. I think he only says 'dinner was good' so he doesn't hurt my feelings lol I always feel that I can do better, make a better meal, be a better friend, be a better wife. I'm constantly pushing myself and at times berating myself to do and be better. We were watching a show the other night and they commented on how in a relationship how one is the settler and the other is the reacher. I told George he was definitely the settler. He disagreed. That didn't sit well with me. Most of the time, I feel people look at us, George and I as a couple and wonder why God put us together. That he could have done so much better. Some one prettier, skinnier, smarter, funnier, kinder, just all around *better*. Usually, I tell these people that I am his penance and he is my saving grace. I feel that every day. The weird thing is two of my talents from God (the others are still hidden that's why they're called hidden talents) are Exhortation and Mercy. Yet, I cannot use this on myself. Why is it that we look at others beauty and talents through a 50" flat screen hd plasma tv yet we look at our own through a thimble? When you find the answer, please share b/c I'm sure I can't be the only one who is dying to know.

Then, after adoration I talked to Patti briefly (she totally rocks!) We've been talking quite a bit over the last few days. In the course of our conversations, we talked about confession. I told her I hadn't been in way too long, April, and that was too long. But, since Father Antony is gone (a year tomorrow :( ) and Father Tim has way too much on his plate, I don't want to take time from him, that leaves Fr. Tuan. And, I'm just not feelin it. So, after talking to Patti, I run into the church office real quick and guess whose by the front desk? Yup, Fr. Tuan. So, I hear God telling me to go to confession. Drats! So, I ask Fr. Tuan how he is and if he is busy. Good, and no. Then, I ask him if he has time for a confession. Of course he does! I confess my sins, get absolution and am done in like five minutes. I don't mean to blasphemy, truly, I don't, but since Fr. Antony left, confession is just lacking *something*! Sure, I get absolution. But to me, that's not the point of confession. It's about being there one on one with Jesus and *feeling* his presence and *feeling* his forgiveness. Lately, the last few times I've been to confession, I'm just not feeling it. Does that make me a bad Catholic? Am I looking for something that I can no longer get and that when I did have it was just part of confession with Father Antony? Sigh, I don't know.

All in all, today was a spiritually busy day. My head hurts from all wondering, talking, and confessing. So, I will leave you with this thought 'you can be 1,000 miles away from God. It only takes one step to come back to Him'.

Until next time,
Pray for the women's crhp outreach for St. Anthony's


1 comment:

Candy said...

Girlfriend, you have got to stop beating yourself up. You sound just like Anne, our new apostle friend. Just a bit of encouragement also. Faith is more than feelings. God loves you just for showing up and recognizing your faults. He gives you the grace you need whether you *feel* it or not. GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!! Remember, Jesus is in ALL Priests, not only the ones you feel connected to emotionally. Never forget that! I love you, too.