Monday, January 3, 2011

Trust Me

Did you ever play the trust me game?  No, not the trust fall, the trust game where someone blindfolds you and takes you by the hand and leads you around and promises not to lead you into a wall or a building.  "Trust me" they say.  So, with my eyes closed, blindfold on, as I'm being led, I would walk slow and arch my back, pulling back, wincing b/c even though I kinda trusted the person leading me, I didn't trust them 100% 

One of my major downfalls that I have is also one of my best attributes, I think.  I trust people 100% off the bat.  I just meet you and we become friends and I automatically trust you.  Why would you want to hurt me?  We just met.  Now, that doesn't mean I tell you my deepest, darkest secrets, those are only reserved for my small group of very close friends.  But, trusting people right off the bat has bit me plenty of times.

I've never thought I had trust issues other than the fact that I trust everyone.  Well, everyone but my dad, Joe.  My brother, and the devil.  Sure, I trust my dad and brother with my life if it was in danger, but that's about it.  But, it turns out I've got some major trust issues with God.  One of my really close friends shared something with me today.  Actually, she nailed it perfectly on the head.  See, I’ve had things in my life that have given me plenty of reasons NOT to trust.  Things that are woven deep within my psyche.  So deep, that apparently that lack of trust feeds my anxiety and the two of them together are having a good time wearing me out.  She's so awesome.  It was a total a-ha moment for me.  After this realization, I thought about it most of the day and then laid down for 20 minutes.  Just me and God.  He has never given men any reason not to trust Him.  Ever.  I however, give him a gazillion reasons not to trust me, everyday. 

See, I get anxious pretty easy.  Too easy actually.  I know God has a plan for George's job and everything else that's going on in my life.  And, I know that His plan is what's best.  I don't have to trust in that, I know that.  But sometimes, I want to know.  I have a lack of patience and I want my situation of the moment fixed!  I realized that I tell God "either way this goes, I'm okay.  I'll be fine."  But, what I realized today is that's not exactly true.  Sure, I'll be fine and deal with it, but I'm not exactly happy if His will doesn't go my way.  He's got lots of plans for me.  Not just one.  He's in control, I'm not.  I only think I am.  When I forget this, that's when the system goes haywire.  So what's an anxiety ridden, adhd, ocd, control freak with fear and trust issues suppose to do?  Pray.  Pray?  Surely that can't be it.  That simple?  That easy?  Just come to Him and give it all to Him?  Even though sometimes I might take it back?  Yes.  That's all it takes.  So whether I'm in my tent, or anxiety ridden, loaded with fear, or doing great, He is only a prayer away.

Until next time,
I'm working on breathing and walking at the same time, Carol.


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