Did you ever feel so lost, that you feel you can't be found? Or rather yet, that you didn't know how you would ever be found?
Years and years ago, say about five. It was right after I went through a Christ Renews His Parish weekend at St. Jude's. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is 33 hours with just you and God and 30 or so of your closest women friends (men for the men's group) My light didn't just come on, it exploded. Yes, I'm a cradle Catholic. Yes, I said my prayers. But I really never knew much about my faith. The how's and the whys and the how comes. After this weekend, I started digging and learning more about different Saints and the Pope, Mary, and the Trinity. During this time, and long after, I wanted nothing more in life, than another child. I begged God. I pleaded with God. I prayed to Mary, to Jesus, to God. To St. Jude, St. Therese, and St. Gerard and I think even St. Monica. All for naught. I used to say "God can open up every womb in the bible but he won't go woogy woogy with his hand over mine!" I had my friends praying. I wanted so desperately to have another child. My friends were getting pregnant and having kids. Not me. We even looked into foster adopt but when my husbands job became unstable, it became a moo (yes, I know it's moot, it's in reference to a Friends tv episode) point. Then, one of my gurus, Julie said to me something along the lines of "God knows what's best for you. He's telling everyone whose praying for you (the aforementioned) that if "She asks for it again, just tell her not right now". So, the aforementioned were interceding for me, just sometimes the answer is not right now, and some times it's a big fat flippin "NO"!
You guys already know, that I didn't get another child. I begged God a couple years ago that if he wasn't gonna pony up with a kid for me, to take away the desire. And, two years ago, He did. There is something very freeing in that.
The other day, I was talking to you about my project. It is truly, most certainly, a lost cause, like I feel most days. But, I've been doing the novena to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. So far, nothing. But, I've started talking to St. Jude. Really, it's a one way conversation. It mostly goes like this "Hello, St. Jude. I don't know how you'll do this. Not that I don't think you can, but it would truly be a miracle. There's no other way for it to happen other than Divine intervention. And, I kind of feel like that's a crap shoot. Let me explain that. Yes, I wish it could be as easy as 50/50, but I don't think it is. No matter how much I whine and cry and stomp my feet; no matter how much I beg and pray to every saint; no matter how many novena's are said, if the answer is 'no', it's going to be 'no'. I just really don't like the 'no's or the 'not right now's'. But, prayer really isn't about a wish list, and God is not Santa Clause. I don't have to behave or make the nice list to get what I want. Oh, how sometimes I wish it was that easy! Prayer is about coming to God and sharing with Him my day. Sharing with Him my joys and sorrows. God gives me what He knows I need, when I need it. Like my husband, for example. Now, with all my kids almost out of high school, I can't imagine having to take care of a baby. My puppy is tiring enough! lol So, He does truly know what He's doing. And, I guess that should give me some consolation. And, truth be told, most of the time, it does. It's just sometimes, when you want something so bad, so very bad that you ache for it (and inasmuch as I really, really, really want the project to work, I'm not aching for it, like I did a baby) and the desire for it almost consumes you, you really want the answer to be 'yes'.
And, in all the wishing and working and trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, I get a little lost. But don't worry, I don't need bread crumbs to find my way back, just beads...one Hail Mary, two, Hail Mary...
Until next time,
Pray for JJ Pounds a 14 year old boy with two inoperable tumors in his head that are causing almost total blindness.