Thursday, December 15, 2011

No I'm not Pregnant lol

With all the range of emotions during this time of year, you would think I'm either pregnant, bi polar, or have multiple personalities.  Well, okay, not just during this time of year but all year long actually. lol  I can medically confirm I am none of those.   Lately though, this week, I just can't stop bursting into tears.  Here is why.

This Sunday is the four year anniversary of Mom's death.  Yes, she's George's mom.  But she is mine too and I love her deeply.  The second, it's the second Christmas without Mema.  No, no I didn't see her every year for Christmas, at least the later ones.  But Mema and I, we are soul mates.  We are cut from the same cloth.  I even have her smile.  We talked all the time.  She made everyday feel special.  And, finally, I miss my very own Mommy.  Every Christmas since I moved away from home (home being wherever my Momma and Mema are) I cry every time I hear 'I'll be home for Christmas'.  Add in missing my Dad (George's) who was just here and will be here in May.  Then, as if all this wasn't enough.  This is my son's last Christmas at home as a high schooler.  I know that he'll be home from college for the holiday's.  But then, it will be different.  The dynamics will have changed.  And, as much as I love change (moving the furniture, painting, etc) I hate change.  Quite the conundrum wouldn't you say? 

So, here I sit.  Tears streaming down my face just missing those I love so very dear who are either in heaven or not here in Texas with me.  But it's all good.  It means that I am alive and that I am still me.  And, when all is said and done and all the 'if you could be anyone in the whole world who would you be's, I always choose me because I love being me.  It took me years of St. Jude Therapy aka chrp sisters to be comfortable with who I am and now that I am, why would I want to be anyone else?  It's what makes me uniquely me :D

So, I can miss everyone I want too.  My heart feels everything deeply, joy, pain, sorrow laughter (as for laughter just ask my friends at work). And that means when I die and go to heaven (what can I say, I'm an optimist) I will have used every ounce of what I was given.  Especially, my heart.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!
Until next time,
Pray for all those who are alone during the holidays.


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