I'm thick. Thick in my thighs, thick in the head, and spiritually thick.
I was riding this high the last part of this week. After everything I told you about Wednesday I was all God is awesome! He hears me! Then, Thursday, I was invited to St. Gabriel's for a praise and worship meeting. I was very excited to go because I had been invited a couple years ago, but never was able to make it. So, I went, and my Jesus high continued! First off, St. Gabriel is my guardian angel, so that was awesome! Then, we sang songs and all through the service I kept getting signs giving a positive affirmation of something that I had wanted more than anything in my life. Something, that was out of my hands and out of my control. It was in the Holy Spirits hands. Obviously, all these positive signs were a yes! I was even more elated! And, to highlight the evening, I shared it with one of my bestest friends in the whole world, Patti. Clearly I have a lot of best friends. lol I don't say that lightly. Having literally no friends growing up, I take my friendships deeply to heart. Carol was my first best friend, then Tina, then Patti. There's also Sharon, Julie, Sheila and Mary P (I know more than one Mary lol) and my bunco group. I am extremely close to these women and to just say they're my friend seems to minimize the weight in which my heart loves them. But, I digress. Patti was the sprinkles and cherry and cream on top of the evening.
I knew from earlier in the week that the decision on which I'd been waiting would be coming yesterday. And, it did. And, it was not in my favor. One of my bffs texted me immediately and then asked if they were a bad friend for letting me know. Seriously? I don't have bad friends. I thought it was beautiful and courageous of her. And, I am extremely excited for those of my bffs who this decision was favorable. However, that's where it all ended.
My high crashed. Plummeted into the depths of the center of the earth. The why's began. Why not me? Was I not good enough? Why am I never good enough? What did I do wrong? I wasn't angry. No, I was hurt. Very deeply hurt. At this point, my husband and I were taking my son to his first retreat at my beloved Montserrat. On the way there, I texted a friend asking if I had done something wrong. She said absolutely not and then gave some consoling words. I texted one of my favorite people in the world as soon as I had heard the news and she was wonderful. My husband came to me with open arms and held me as I cried. All of this consoling all I could think of was I don't want consolation, I want my answer. What were all those signs about!!!?! I texted another one of my bff's, Tina. Actually, I texted all my bffs who got the yes and told them how I was extremely happy for them, because I AM. My sadness and hurt does not diminish my joy for them. I'm kinda weird that way (among others). Anywho, Tina and I lamented how we wouldn't be together. She and I haven't had a lot of time lately. But, we'll figure it out. As we arrived at Montserrat, I got a hug from Fr. Ron, which was a gift from God. That I do know. Priests just don't go around giving random hugs, at least the ones I know. Then, after showing my family around my second home, my son and I sat on my swing. That was a beautiful moment in my life. However, I was antsy. I didn't want to overstay my welcome or encroach on his time, plus, it felt weird to be so sad and want to cry while being happy for my son. We left him in great hands, Gods.
Then, this morning, still smarting. I texted another one of my bffs. I told her how I really feel. I left nothing out. I laid myself bare before her and told her how hurt I was by God. How I misread all of his signs. That I was spiritually blind and I didn't give a hoot anymore. Being the wonderful person she is, she held me through the phone, gave me her love and support, and gently chided me for some of the things that I had said. That's the great thing about my friendships. They don't coddle me. They hold me accountable and tell me the truth. Even when it hurts. They call me on my negative thoughts and feelings, my hurt and my anger. And that was awesome. My bff did all of this while getting ready for her daughter's wedding. Tell me that's not awesome, I dare you.
Finally, I called my mom. I miss her terribly. More than I can express. I explained what happened and she said that I don't know what His plan was. More of the same, but from my mom. Finally, I cracked. "Mom, can't just one person say that this decision is wack?! That it's crazy that it wasn't in my favor? That it's unfair and wrong?!!!!" God love her, my mom said "I can't do that because it was God's decision". UGH! I hate when she's right. When everyone is right but me! I know there's a reason. I understand there's a reason. I DON'T LIKE THE DECISION SO GIVE ME THE BLESSED REASON ALREADY!!!!! Yea, he doesn't work like that.
So, here I sit, after two blissful days of signs that all is well and that I'm hearing God, dejected, spent and sad. You know, the disciples didn't have it easy. Things didn't go their way even when Jesus was among them. They were asked to blindly trust. I said I'd work on it, and then at the first opportunity, I failed miserably. Which after the initial disappointment in myself, I realized wasn't so bad. The disciples failed lots of times. Look at Peter, he and Saul are my favorites. I mean, I like the others, don't get me wrong, but I relate to those two a lot more. They failed and they were His disciples and eventually, they got it right. I'm His disciple too. How could I expect not to fail, to be any better than they were?
Does this mean that I'm all happy with his choice for me now? Um, no. I'm still sad and God is still awesome. We'll get on the same page eventually.
Until next time,
Please pray for my son who is on retreat.
Then, this morn