Tom Petty says "waiting is the hardest part". He wasn't lying. Sing it, Tom! I'm cranky, crabby, and irritable. I have a list of things I am trying to get done and nothing is happening. Nothing is in my control right now and I hate that. I hate, hate, HATE that! I want what I want and I want it done NOW! How hard is that to do!? Hear that? Listen. That's the sound of God laughing at my plans.
I've been praying and praying and praying. I know God hears me. I know this because over the sound of His laughter (okay, so He's not laughing that hard at me) He keeps telling me to wait! Are you flippin kidding me! You know how much I hate waiting...for my birthday, for my visits from Dad, for Christmas, wait, wait, wait! UGH! He's asking me to wait. It would be one thing if He said "Gina, would you wait for me?" And I said "okay". But He knows me well enough that I'd be all "okay, now hurry. When are you getting here? Are you almost here?" So I would bug the ever loving crap out of Him. So, He has me wait and sooner or later I figure out what He wants me to do (sometimes though, I'm so thick I really don't get it) and I go "aaaaaaaaahhhhhh haaaaaaaaa!"
God love my husband, he says yesterday "you don't seem happy". So I tell him "I'm not happy" and tell him all the reasons why. This makes my husband sad because there is nothing he can do to fix it. I haven't been sleeping well with everything going on in my head. So last night as I'm trying to go to sleep, I picture my swing. At Montserrat, there's a bench swing outside of the dining hall. That's my swing. I spend a lot of time on it. I pictured myself laying down on it like I like to do. I could feel the wood arm against my back. I pulled my hood over my head (I wear a hoodie because I don't like bugs and I'd rather the random stray one crawl over that than me) almost completely covering my head. I laid on the swing like this many times at the retreat. And before I knew it, I was asleep. And I slept. The first good nights sleep in about a week. When I'm at the retreat and we have to picture our happy place and being with Jesus, more often than not, I picture my church. I'm sitting in a pew next to Him with my head on His right shoulder. Then, when I'm not at the retreat, I picture myself at the retreat and the peace I find there! Weird I know.
So, here's what God does, while I'm lamenting and staring in my own one act play "Job the musical!" He puts other people in my life who need me. They just need me to listen. Not to do anything, not to fix anything, just to listen to them. And, while I do that, I pray for them. And, while I'm concentrating on them, I don't think about ME. This would be great if I could do this at the onset of my irritation of things that aren't going my way. But I am stubborn. George likes to say I need to let stuff roll of my back like a duck. I told him I CAN'T do that. I'm not like that. I lead with my emotions. So, it takes me a while, days even, to settle down. God knows this about me and He loves me STILL! Amazing, no?
Songs from "Job the Musical!":
Don't tell me to count my blessings, I'm Angry!
God doesn't share (His plan)
Scream (don't tell me He has a plan)
Show me don't tell me (what you're plan is)
Why (Me? Am I going through this?)
What do you want from me?
I haven't got time for the pain
I've got friends in low places
I just called to say I love you.
Until next time,
Pray for St. Joseph the worker. Today is his feast day :D