Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Howard Jones, Oklahoma, and God

I am an angry person.  Well, okay, that's not exactly true.  I can be an angry person and some of the time, when things don't go according to my newest plan, I get very angry.  I rant and rave and throw a hissy fit, much like a toddler.  When someone wrongs me, misjudges me, upsets me, etc, I have a target for my anger.  Sometimes I hold it in, but in my head, watch out, I am giving it to that person with both barrels!  What happens then, when, like Howard Jones says, "no one is to blame?"

Yesterday's events in Moore, OK has everyone praying and some who've lost love ones before, children even, sympathizing.  This is all good and well.  And, for a lot of us, when we feel helpless, it's the only way we know how to cope.  In this devastation, there is no one to blame.  No terrorist.  No bad guy.  No one who went postal.  No one out for revenge.  Nothing and no one.  So, with all of this devastation and loss, who do you blame?  Where do you put the anger?  God.  Yes, you heard me, I said God.

Inevitably, as it usually does when there is no one to blame, God gets the blame.  I will get asked 'How could He let this happen?'  'How can you follow a God who would allow such horrible act to happen?  To let children die?'  The answer to the first question is always the same.  I don't know.  I am not He (thank God, talk about a high pressure job!).  I don't begin to know what goes through His mind or why He makes decisions the way He does.  I cannot help you there.  For the second question, the answer is harder.  I follow Him because I love Him and He loves me.  There's always going to be 'why do bad things happen to good people' situations.  Everyday.  It's how we choose to deal with it I think, that matters.  And, quite a lot of time, I don't deal with things very well.   I don't necessarily 'blame' God for things, but lots and lots of time, I take my anger out on Him.  I rant, and rave, and throw my hissy fit.  I yell.  I tell Him how I think He wronged me.  I yell at Him "how could you let this happen!  Why couldn't you let things go MY way this time!"  And, my personal favorite when I yell at Him  "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!!!"  And, most of the time, He never tells me what He was thinking.  I can tell you this though, that after all my yelling, I am spent.  I am not as angry.  I can tell you that looking back months after a fit, I can see how things worked better than I thought had He done things my way.  And, I don't always look back, who wants to see how they were wrong, yet again?  So, it comes down to this.  Trust.  Do I trust God?  Honestly?  Most days, yes.  I say most days because if I just said a blanket 'yes' that would be a total and utter lie.  Most days I do trust Him.  However, if I trusted Him completely, I would not have anger issues when things don't go my way (how Sinatra got to do things his way is beyond me).  I have not mastered that. 

There are days when I feel as close to God as air to my skin and I can quote scripture to express what I'm feeling.  Or, when my friends are down, or need help, a scripture magically appears in my head.  However, other times, I feel distant and I don't want to hear He has a plan.  I don't want His plan, I want mine.  That is when I have one of my anger fits.  I had one just about a week ago.  Trust is scary.  It makes me vulnerable, more so than I would like to be.  I mean, come on, I wear my heart on my sleeve and that's pretty vulnerable.  Blind trust however is a whole other level! 

I wish I had answers for you.  I wish I could take your pain (over any situation) away.  I wish I could make it better.  All I can tell you is that it's okay to yell at God.  It's okay to tell Him how you feel.  He doesn't want to be there for you just when things are going great.  He wants to be there for you always.

Until next time,
Hug your friends and family a little tighter (or even for the first time).


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