Monday, April 15, 2013

Profound, Private, and Me

Well, another silent retreat has come and gone.  While I am sad that it is over, I am blissfully happy at the quiet and all the time I had on the retreat.  It's such a lovely time.  I always learn something about myself, whether it's something I need to do, stop doing, or change what I am doing.

This time around, I learned something very profound.  Very private.  But, I will share it.  I've heard time and again that Jesus is all I need.  I've sang the lines "Jesus be my everything".  I guess I'm so thick, things don't always click with me.  Over the weekend, Fr. Ron talked a lot about forgiveness.  Giving it, receiving it, why it's so important, etc.  I thought about one of my closest familial relationships that have gone astray.   There is nothing I haven't tried to do to repair it.  It just is what it is.  While meditating and sitting next to Jesus on the beach (sometimes it's in church, sometimes on the beach), my head on His right shoulder, He asks me why I am so hurt over this relationship.  I explain all I ever wanted this person to be to me.  All I thought they were suppose to be to me.  How I would look to this person in my life.  Every scenario I came up with, every one, Jesus said to me "I can do that!"  I miss my brother terribly.  More than words could ever describe or pictures could paint.  Jesus said "I AM your brother."  I said "but I want to talk with him and share things with him."  Jesus said "I can do that.  Share them with ME."  It was quite moving actually.  Everything I wanted out of a relationship with my younger brother, Jesus said He'd handle it.  It never dawned on me that Jesus really can be my everything.  God is the most amazing dad I've ever had (not counting George's dad, he's the most amazing father a girl could ever want and I'm truly blessed to have him and  he comes here on Wednesday!!!!) why shouldn't/couldn't Jesus be the most amazing brother to me? 

The other thing I found out, not really profound mind you, was when again I was meditating and talking to Jesus and He asked me what would make me happy.  Now, my first thought was a new bed.  Then the more I thought about it, sure material things make me happy but not nearly as happy as my very close friends and my immediate family.  My guru's Sharon, Patti, Julie, Mary P; my bunco sisters; my chrp sisters; my best friend Tina, my sister Carol; my husband and kids and my mom.  I can happily say that I have many friends now, when I used to have none.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.  That is not an exaggeration.  Those above are my nearest and dearest.  My podmates, my spiritual guidance, my everything.  They are what makes me happy.  To be truthful, it felt quite odd going through a list of things off the top of my head that would make me happy and then boiling it all down to what truly makes me happy.  Love.  Giving my love to all of you.  That makes me happy.

What makes you happy?

Until next time,
Take some time for yourself and just be.


While the retreats are extremely lovely, they are also very emotionally exhausting for me.  I prayed, I laughed, I cried.  I seriously need the next day off just so I can reenter the world so to speak. lol  I wish all of you could experience it!  I prayed for all of you.  Yes, you!  I prayed for many by name and if you can read this, then I prayed for you too!  I love my retreats because they overflow my cup with blessings and grace and love and prepare me to deal with whatever life has in store for me.

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