I'm Still Here

Grab your drink of choice and settle in, this might be a long one.

Six months ago, I couldn't wait to be here, where I am now.  I thought things would be back to normal in a nice little box tied with a Tiffany blue bow.  That is not the case.

Valentine's day this year, one of my children made a choice that directly impacted the entire family.  Fifty-two very long days later, that decision was unmade.  However, now we were left with the aftermath.  All of us have been and still are, hurt.  Emotionally hurt.  It's six months later and I look around me and I still see the burning embers.  Daily, I walk among this ashes.  I see the carnage that is left in the wake of it all.  Has my faith been shaken?  Eh, not really.  However, I am learning that I have no control over others choices that they make for themselves.  This in and of itself is hard enough.  I like control.  I like order.  I like things the way I like them and that is how I like them.  I have a vision how things should go, how they should be and I'm old enough to realize that isn't how life works.  That God and life has other plans.

No one tells you when you have kids about the hard stuff.  Sometimes they try, but they can'/t really explain it.  You have to live it.  Sure being a parent is awesome and joyous and awful and horrible and amazing and loving all at the same time.  It's hard.  It's hard on you physically, mentally, and especially emotionally.  I'm past the crying stage, the depressed stage (mostly), the anger stage, the grief stage.  Now, I've settled in complacency.  This is what the situation is and this is what it is going to be for a while.  Sure my child is not the same person they use to be before this happened.  None of us are.  Now, it's a dance.  Now it's us circling around each other trying to get to know who this new child is.  Is this a new child?  Is it the same child?  I see glimpses of the old  child?  What does this new child want/like?  How am I suppose to parent this new child?  The answer to that last one is I'm not.  They're an adult.  They make their own choices and decisions.  I'm just here.  It's the just here that I have an issue with.

I miss you.  I miss all of you.  I have wanted to share with all of you what's going on.  But how much do I tell?  What do I tell?  I don't know.  Most of you who read this know what has happened so should I reiterate it all again?  Some of you don't know.  If I don't share, what if there are others like me out there who need support?  I could be that source of support?  So, I'll give you the brief synopsis:  Valentine's day. Child ran away to live with boyfriend; pregnancy scare (two of them); they broke up; child moved back home; found out child was a cutter; child did inpatient for a week; then out patient for a while.  Child graduated high school.  Child has not cut for five months.    Child is working.  Child is thinking about going to school.  Child makes own decisions and I get to watch.  I use the term child because no matter how old they get, they will always be my children.  My child.

So, in the middle of all of this, I had just been at my job four months.  It's been almost a year that I've been there.  I pray every night for a new job.  I like what I do, I like a few people I work with, and that's where it ends.  In June, June 24th to be exact, I had enough.  Enough of living paycheck to paycheck and I became a distributor with It Works i.e., that crazy wrap thing.  I'm sure you've seen it all over my facebook or have seen me passing our my coupons for wraps or wearing my bling shirt.  Let's be honest shall we?  I was scared.  I've done pampered chef twice, mary kay, and lia sophia.  Why would this be any different?  My dear friend who had done pampered chef, avon and others sat down with me and said "it is different'.  And, I've trusted her for years with my sons life.  How could I not trust her with mine?  And, she was right.  It is different.  The level of support is unheard of.  It is not a get rich quick scheme.  It is a business.  My business.  I get out of it what I put into it.  Starting today it is another full time job.  So, after I work at my 8-5, I come home and work full time with my business (chrpangelwraps.com  shameless plug but you're reading my blog about my life so....lol)  I have an accountability partner, but I am asking you, you reading this, all of you, to be my accountability partners as well.  To keep me on track to make sure I reach my goals.  We all know my level of self doubt and self confidence.  However, with your help, I CAN and WILL do this!

My family is doing good.  The five of us are learning to dance..  The child who left with the four of us and the four of us with the child.  It's still a long way to go, But, we'll get there when we're suppose to.

Until next time (I promise it wont be so long again),
Love one another as He has loved you.

Love,
Me

An Open Letter to My Bunco Group

I know it's been month's since my last post.  I went underground for a while.  Went a little postal.  Went a little mental.  Went a lot off the rails.  Kids can do that to you.  I've spent the last few months dealing with the cards I was dealt.  Thing is, I'm not that great a card player.  I'm getting better.  Each day is better than the last.  Some days are good and some days not so good.  What brings me above ground you ask?  Why now? Well, I'll tell you.  I have something to share.

So many friends of mine have truly been there for me during this walk but there is a group of friends in particular, that I have to address...my bunco sisters of the Happy, Hugging, Holy Bunco Group.

The H3 Group has been together for four years, brought together by Bob, the Holy Spirit.  Together, we have done it all.  We've laughed, cried, mourned, celebrated, argued and constantly, loved each other.  We are humans who are sinners with great failings but are all works of God with the amazing capacity to love each other and support each other.

Through it all, this group has been my rock (after God and my beloved husband).  There is not a time when I am with each of them, whether one on one, or at bunco, when I am not at peace.  This is important because sometimes, inner peace is hard for me to find.  

Yesterday, was a day the H3 has been waiting for.  Our little sister, Amanda got married.  It was a beautiful wedding and a beautiful reception.  Before the wedding.  I went off the rails again and was not in a good mood.  I was angry and was spitting nails.  it was not pretty.  During the reception, something changed in me.  I was lighter and joyous and calm.  George even commented on it when we left the wedding.  I confirmed what he had witnessed.   This group, we support each other.  Just being with them fills me with love and laughter and peace.

Yesterday afternoon, I received the best words of love ever spoken to me other than wedding vows by my husband.  My H3 sister Carolina said that I love more than anyone she has ever met.  It was so lovely and meant so much that tears stung my eyes.  

I love these women unconditionally.  They are my family.  I am so blessed that God brought us together. 

Thank you all for your love and support.

Until next time,

Hug your friends.

Love,

Me

Rebuilding

It's officially two weeks since our lives have changed.  I'm learning, albeit slowly, to deal with the changes.  I've slept a bit more this last week.  I have moments.  Moments where everything is okay.  Moments where I think I'm going to be okay.  This situation will be okay.  Then, there are days like yesterday that bring me to my knees.  Yesterday started out as a beautiful day.  Then, went south in a hand basket right quick.  It had gotten so bad, I had to leave work.  I had to go to church.  Specifically, I had to see my Priest.  I needed to talk this out, I needed to cry.  I needed to learn how to breathe all over again.  Funny thing is, when your heart breaks, it crumbles your lungs too.  It feels like an elephant sitting on my lungs.  So, I off I went.  I spent the afternoon with my priest, then my husband.  Grieving.  Growing.  And, a lot of thinking.

This week I had to opportunity to spend three evenings with Fr. Larry Richards at St. Gabriel the Archangel in McKinney.  It was such a gift to be there each night.  And, I was able to receive confession with about 300 of my closest friends (not sure of actual number but it was in the hundreds).  Add that to all the text, private message conversations on facebook, calls, and the like, I am going to be okay.  Here's what I've learned this week (or was reminded of).

My work friends are awesome and so very supportive.

My sister Carol is always the logical one and voice of reason when we talk (no, you don't want to wear spandex, you'd start a fire with your thighs lol)

My best friend Tina with the calls and the text.

My Sheila, my bunco group, my chrp sisters, my ched's friends, my gurus, my family all with their unwavering love and support.

I feel bad that I have to still be carried on my mat for a while.  And, I wish I could say to my carriers "you can put me down now, I've got this, I'm going to be okay", but with all the uncertainty and being thrown into this ocean, I am clinging to my life preserver (all of the above) and my lifeguard who happens to walk on water.  Please bear with me as you carry me a bit longer.  

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you.  Each day brings new blessings and challenges.

And, a special thank you to my husband.  I am so glad we are going through this together.  I love you.

Until next time,

Call your mother.  She misses you.

Love,

Me

When a Heart Breaks

Valentine's Day started eons ago as a massacre and Valentine's Day this year ended just the same.  For those of you who know me, I tend to have a flair for the dramatics.  For those of you who know me well, you know this is not the case here.

Nine days ago, my life, my families lives all took a turn for the worse.  At least for four of us anyway.  Unbeknownst to four of us, one of us had a plan.  A plan they were working on for a few weeks where all that mattered was them and not the choices they were about to make.  Or the other four of us.  Our thoughts and feelings did not matter and now for the last nine days we have been left floating in the wreckage that has become out family.

First let me say, no one died.  Everyone is alive and healthy.  For that right there, I am eternally grateful.  Secondly, let me say, if you don't know what happened at this point (I have a small close knit group of people that know) I'm not going to tell you here.  The people that know are my true prayer warriors, gurus, and people I trust with my own life and those that three other members of my family feel are their gurus and the ilk.

In this post, I am choosing to talk about me and my journey these nine days.  First off let me tell you, I have run the gamut of emotions (every emotion but happy ones).  I've been angry (surprisingly not at God).  I've been furious.  I was in shock for about two days.  I discovered the true, pure meaning of shock and awe.  I was irritated that I had to wake up the next day.  Why is God keeping me here?  I thought it was payback/karma for the horrendous things I did to my own mother almost 17 years ago.  And, I learned just how much I and my family are loved.  How much we are blessed (something I really don't take for granted.  However, to see how much you are loved is truly humbling).  How many, many people, near and far are praying for us.  How those friends of mine who don't do religion are sending good thoughts our way.  Friends I've known for years and friends I've known for months.  I have people checking in with me on a daily basis or whenever they can.  People that truly, deeply care.  That has been a lovely thing.  That in the midst of all this horrendous pain, I have seen and felt the grace of God.  That alone, while is a wonderful thing, it is something I am truly not deserving of (even though we don't earn God's grace, He give's it freely).

I always thought I had a strong faith.  And, to some extent I do.  These last nine days how ever have taught me differently.  My faith is me telling God what I problems and what I think I need.  I know best don't you know!  My faith is me giving things up to Him, and taking them back real quick because, you know, He's busy and all.  I'll just help with this one.  Here's how my past nine day journey with God has gone.

Day one:  Lots and lots and lots of pain and tears.  Learning what shock and awe really mean.  Found out just how not smart some people are.  Laughter crept in to help me deal.
Day two:  Went to Mass with one of my gurus and cried through most of it.  Spent a few minutes with my Priest afterward where we talked and he gave me a hug.  Then breakfast with my chrp sisters.  Surrounded by unconditional love, acceptance and God.  Learned that I need to surrender this.  Still in shock and awe mode.
Day three: Went to Mass.  Surrendering minute by minute.  Feeling extremely empty and hurt.
Day four:  surrendering minute by minute then onto second by second. Still empty, hurt, and moments of extreme anger.
Day five:  learned that surrender doesn't mean I'm giving you this second or minute.  It means surrendering my will to His will.  Felt like crap, I've been doing this wrong too?!
Day Six:  My new motto:  Thy will be done!  Even taped twbd to my computer monitor as a reminder!
Day seven:  Has it really been a whole week?  Realized that I haven't been trusting God at all.  That Thy will be done and His will have nothing to do with mine.  I've been surrendering wrong, now saying this wrong!  I'm such a failure!  I want this fixed and I want it fixed my way and I want it fixed NOW!  How hard is that!!!???  Do I really want God's will in this situation?  He knows the plan.  I really, really need to give up control of this.  I'm tired of being eaten alive.  I am tired of crying every night.  I'll do the fake it till you make it thing.  I'll eventually get there.
Day eight:   Still in fake it till I make it mode.  The devil is not making things easy today.  He's showing me how easy it is to hold on to my hurt and anger.  This is not good.
Day nine:  Went to Mass.  Still in fake it till I make it mode.  Trying as best as I can to get back to some sort of normalcy.  Which, is a joke as my family dynamic has changed irrevocably.  Still using humor to get through it all.  Am I ever going to sleep again?

So here I sit before you on the eve of day ten.  I have learned my heart and my faith are stronger after these nine days.  I've learned that forgiveness doesn't come easy and that I am so not there yet.  I am learning that I need to let go of this control and having things my way.  That we all grieve (and boy are we grieving) at different stages and in our own way.  That we all have to forgive in our own time and that is perfectly okay.  That all the prayer that we have been receiving has helped four of us be able to carry this cross.  That it's okay to be on the mat for a while while our friends carry us.  Sometimes we carry and sometimes we need to be carried.  And, for the control freaks like me, I want to carry, not be carried.  That is where surrendering lies.  When I am too tired to fight anymore.  Where after the fight or flight fire dies down (if you don't know, I'm a fighter) and nothing is left but tiredness and feeling week.  That I can lay there and be carried (or dragged lol).  Acceptance is hard.  Acceptance that my life, our lives have change.  Acceptance that it is my time to be carried.  Acceptance that all the fight is just about out of me.  Acceptance, true acceptance of His will.  Blind faith, heck any faith, is hard.  Somehow, I feel like this should be lent with all the chipping away, polishing and pruning that is being done with me and my family.  If this is what it's like before lent, I can only imagine what he has in store for those upcoming forty days.  But you know what?  With all of those praying for us both near and far, we'll handle that challenge too.  Grant you, it may not be pretty, but we'll get it done.






Until next time,
Hug those closest to you. And thank you all for being there for us.

Love,
Me

A year in review

Happy New Year!!!  Welcome to 2014!

My year in review.

I spend part of the year in disappointment, feeling like a failure as a parent and partly as a child.  I was disappointed in my spiritual life and as always I'm like a little kid with her first Hershey bar, I just wanted more.

I spent part of the year afraid of change.  My dear friend quit our job (little did she know I spent the entire summer looking for a new one and the hardest thing was going to be leaving my two friends).  Then, I left my job a couple weeks later.  I was freaked out about my new job.  What if I suck at it?  What if no one likes me?  What if I can't do it?  This is what lives in my head all day, just about every day.  This is what growing up for me was like.  All the positives my mother would say on how smart I am would be drowned out by the others telling me different.  Plus, she had to say these things, she's my mom.  (To this day, she is still my biggest cheerleader and still says these things as says she doesn't have to say them because she's my mother lol).

I spent the last part of the year at my new job which I love, and who knew, my mom was right, yet again, I am smarter than I thought!  I'm still learning but that's something I love to do anyway!

I spent a lot of the year in mourning.  I miss my Mema.  It's been three years since she left me.  She was my second biggest cheerleader and she didn't have to say nice things because she's my Mema.  I missed George's mom.  It's been six years since she left me.  There are certain days when it just would catch me that she's gone.  And, I miss my mom.  Granted, she's not dead, she's alive and in Myrtle Beach, but I haven't seen her for a couple years and I miss her terribly.  She makes everything better.  

I spent a good portion of the year dealing with my panic and anxiety disorder.  I get thrown into a whirling dervish for what others see as no apparent reason.  Yes, some of them I walk right into, other's mostly are sprung on me.  

I spent part of the year thinking I was dying.  This is why my husband will not allow me on WebMd or the internet.  Smart one, he is.  See, I am afraid of dying (I know this is normal).  I am deeply, deathly afraid.  When I get an ache or a pain, I think I'm the only one whose ever had it before.  Especially, when it's in the vicinity of my heart.  Heaven forbid my left arm starts to hurt.  I have a reason to be hypocondriacish.  I was born with a cleft lip, cleft palate, club feet, umbilical hernial, a heart murmur and epilepsy.  Then in my 20's I was diagnosed with aortic insufficiency.  Apparently, I was born with it, it just went undiscovered.  Then, on my first Mother's Day, I had a TIA (transiscemic attack a mild stroke).  This one freaked me out the worst.  Have you ever tried to say something and it came out wrong?  Did you ever mispronounce a word or couldn't get the word out?  Normal, right?  Well, that's what the beginning of my TIA was like.  Now, whenever that happens, even though it's normal, I'm afraid I'm having another stroke.  Mind you, I had it almost 20 years ago.  Still, the fear is there.  So, I get these aches and pains as I'm growing older and I get scarred.  If George had a dollar for every night we went to bed and I said "please watch me" he'd be a millionaire.  

I spent another part of the year dealing with my low self esteem.  This is just about a daily battle.  Some days the demons win, some days I win.  I think at this time, we're tied.

I spent a great part of the year laughing.  It is my goal to laugh everyday.  And, with my husband and family and close friends I do!  I try to make people laugh.  It's so underrated.  I'll gladly be silly to make someone laugh.  Especially, those that are having a hard day.

I spent a good chunk of the year reading and listening to music.  I love, love, love to read!!!  And, music, don't even get me started!  Don McClean was right "music can save your mortal soul".

I spent the entire year loving.  I love.  I don't just love a little.  I love with my entire heart whether we just became friends or have been friends forever, it's something I have no control over.  I just love people.  It's pretty easy most of the time as God calls me to love people, not like them.  It's the liking part that get's me into trouble.  I don't have to like you to love you.  But, mostly, I do anyway :D

I spent the entire year blessed.  Blessed by those who came into my life, those who left, and those who are on the merry-go-round of friendship and they circled away for a while.  I have been blessed by my friends and my family and my faith.  I have been blessed through disappointment and hurt and happiness.  I have a roof over my head, food, and a job.  I spent the end of the year and the beginning of the year at the same place, Mass.  George says I can't count one Mass for both, I say I can.  I was there to celebrate the beginning of the year (and the solemnity of Mary) on the last day of the year :D lol

No matter what happened last year and no matter what happens this year, these three remain; faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

Happy New Year,

Until next time,

Be happy!

Love,

Me