Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I figured it out!

I was recently at my friend, Mary's house for a jewelry party and we had to pick something we liked and wear it for the evening.  I chose a beautiful heart necklace.  We then went around the room, introduced ourselves, what piece we chose and why.  I said "I always wear my heart on my sleeve, so I thought I'd go for the neck!" which drew laughter from the others (I love making people laugh!).  Then, I heard my friend say "she does!"  which made me smile.  I'm sure it doesn't come as news to you that my life is an open book.  What ever is going on, you see it in my face or hear it in my voice.  While I may wear my heart on my sleeve, I won't always share what is going on.  Quite often, I need to be pressed as to what is bothering me (ask George!).  Most of the time, when something is bothering me, I feel that when asked, a) people are being polite and really don't want to know or b) they're in a good mood, why would I want to bring them down?  Then there are times when things are icky and I need to talk to someone about it.  In those rare times, instead of just calling and saying "hey, I'm having a bad day, can you listen?" I figure, they're busy and I don't want to intrude.  So, what is a girl to do?  I call on Dad (God).  I tell Him how even though I had a fantastic birthday and my dad sent me a card, how I was hurt that he didn't call.  How he never calls me.  Never comes to see me and no matter how old I get, I'll never be good enough for him to do either one.  And, no matter how hold I get or how wise or rational I become, it will never take away the hurt it brings or the longing for acceptance.  I tell Him how happy I am that a close friend of mine is going to be moving and while I am blissfully happy for them, I am sad for me.  I tell Him how I still am struggling trying to stay in control of everything.  Trying to bend situations to my will.  How I give things up to Him all the time, only to take them back later when He's not moving as fast as I would like Him too. lol    I tell Him how I get hurt by different friendships.  Yes, I know all the platitudes like 'some people we're only friends with for a season' and the like, but I am not really a season friend.  I'm a forever friend.  Once you are my friend, you're my friend.  However, as friendships grow, it's like a revolving door.  Some choose to come in and stay, some chose to come and go multiple times, and some chose to come and and then go away and what was once a great friendship is relegated to a passing friendship I see at church.  While I understand this, I don't exactly have to like it.  While these passing friendships go, I am left feeling less than.  "What did I do/not do that made them want to leave?"  I showered! lol  I chalk this and most things, up to my childhood.  Again, not having many friends, you don't learn that some friendships are only needed for a short time and that that is okay.  So, learning this in adulthood is a bit different/difficult, but I've learned to survived.   This has happened quite a few times over the years (no, not just the showering part, the passing friendship part) and I have lived to tell the tales.  And, when I see them and get my hugs the love in my heart for them still remains because they will always be a part of me.   I tell Him how some days, even with all my friends and all of those who truly love me, I feel so alone.  I tell Him how I want to come visit Him, but alas, it's Wednesday, and there's no adoration today.  I tell Him how I think He should run things.  I give Him advice, always, always, always unsolicited.  Then, I thank Him.  I thank Him for what I do have.  I thank Him for the friends that do stay.  I thank Him for my husband and my children.  I thank Him for George's Dad, who has been more of a father to me than my biological one ever will be (yet I still long for him, masochistic, I know!)  I thank Him for my Mom who is always there.  And, I tell Him how I know, He's got everything under control despite my complaining about the way He does things, especially His timing.  And, through all of this, He listens.  He listens as the most wonderful father He is.  He is tender and loving and His heart breaks at the breaking of mine.  Every tear I've cried, He's held in His hand.  He's always with me.  And together, He and I, we, can do everything.

So, I think I've figured out my problem, or well, as least one of them.  Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.".  This is hard to do when you wear your heart on your sleeve.  I cannot guard my heart because good, bad, or indifferent, my heart is who I am.  And, He created me in His own image.  So, if my heart is this big, I can't even fathom how big His is!  Yea, He's got everything under control.  I think I'll let Him drive for a while while I nap in the passenger seat.  That is until I try to do the driving again!

Until next time,
Surround yourself with happy.  Life is too short for anything less!


No comments: