Sunday, July 10, 2011

You'll never know

Today's the day.

The one I've dreaded for weeks.

In thirteen hours, it will be one year since my beloved Mema passed.  I'm so glad I went to Mass last night as I don't think I could not cry throughout the entire mass today.  Heck, the tears are streaming as I'm writing this.

Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, I miss her.  Sure, I may seem like a quasi-functioning adult when you see me out in public.  But, I confess, it's all a ruse.  It feels just like when Mom died (George's) and I stood at her casket begging her, pleading with her to wake up and she wouldn't.  No matter how much I asked her too.  How I begged George to wake her up, please.

I know all the sane stuff.  I know I'll see her again.  I know she's better off.  I know she's happy.  But how can she be happy if she's not with me!  How!!!  Life is fleeting.  It goes by so fast.  The fact that my son is now a senior is proof enough of that.  Everyone leave me.  Everyone.  My Dad, who lets face it, was never really there to begin with, my grandpa, Mema, and even my dog Lizzie ( cue the 'even you little dog too').  Now Jaime's gonna go of to college and the girls are soon to follow.  Then what?  An acquantance said to me not too long ago how we have to give them wings.  To which I replied "I understand that with my head, but my heart wants to know can't I clip just one of them?" lol

Being a parent sucks sometimes.  And, truth be told, I think it's worse for mom's.  Whether your kid comes from your belly or from someone else's.  There's just a connection there that I don't think Dad's feel.  Sure, they feel, but in a different way.

I know Mema is with me.  Well somedays I know, other days I hope.  Have you ever had anything ripped out of your hands and you clung so hard to it so it would stay that your fingers hurt long after it was gone?  Yea, that's the pain that I feel only instead of my fingers, it's my heart.  Our last words to each other were that I loved her and she loved me.  You would think that would be enough.  Many people don't even get that.  Yet, I am nothing but selfish and I want more!  I WANT HER HERE WITH ME.  I want my heart not to hurt so much.

She'll never know how much I love her still and how her leaving me tore me apart.  I told her ever since I was a little girl that her death would send me into a mental home.  I may not be there physically, but emotionally I sure am.  And, the straight jacket doesn't even fit right! lol

So today while I am mourning the loss of my beloved Mema an the hole that is left gaping in my heart, I leave you with a song that means almost more to me than my wedding song, almost.  It's my grandparents song.  Quite apropos for the way I have been feeling lately.

Until next time,
Pray for all the boy scouts who just left for camp for a week (including my Jaime)

PS.  Welcome home podmate!

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