Architecture

God has been good to me.  Actually, He's always good to me.  I just don't always pay attention.  I've been keeping myself uber busy and in the not so busy times I've been doing a LOT of thinking, introspective type stuff mostly.  So, if you can follow me, I know it's not always easy, but here's where my train (of thought) has taken me as of late.

Joseph was a carpenter.  Jesus probably learned a few things along the way from his dad, Joseph. So, God is the grand architect of us all, are you still with me?  Okay, then, look at it like we're all buildings.  Just humor me and go with it, please.  In the grand building scheme of things, I make an awesome lean to.  However, I am not so good at leaning.  I mean, look at the leaning tower of Pisa.  It leans and it's strong.  It is an awesome leaner.  It has structures there supporting it, and it leans on them.  It's way cool.  I am not a good leaner, well except for George.

I cannot express how much I have leaned on all of you since Sunday when my Mema passed.  Alyssa, you have know idea how I hear your voice everyday in my head saying 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming'.  I have clung to that.  Julie and Tina, I love the calls to check in on me.  And, my dear, dear podmate, you will never know the love I felt when you said "I'll have my cell phone with me" and for reminding that you, Peter, Bob and our girl have my back.  I seem to forget that every now and then.  Carol, just being there, silently waiting.  And then, just letting me say nothing when we're together, or just letting me spoil your kids.  Amy, my Amy, your email was so beautiful.  My beloved bunco group, your support is just so wonderful.  Carolina, spending time with me and the kids to give me a break when I didn't realize I needed one, was awesome.  My Greta, oh my Greta, there are no word, none, that can convey the depths of my gratitude for you staying up with me the night she passed.  And, as we got off the line and said the rosary, I knew we were saying it together and it brought me such comfort.  Mike, your email was perfection as always.  That psalm use to really scare me b/c I thought it was all about death and it's not (psalm 23).  So many times I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death.  That is such a comforting psalm and I thank you for sharing it.  Cat, your texts from Maine made me feel so special.  You're on vacation with your family and you're worried about me.  My Teresa, I love you.  You are such a pillar of strength to me.  My Sharon.  Oh how you are such a part of my heart.  You're texts and emails have I clung too!  They gave me comfort and brought me strength I didn't know I possessed.  I thank all of you for not being upset if I haven't emailed you back, or if I did it took a while.  And, finally, to my George.  My rock, my strength.  These days with me have not been easy.  Thank you for holding me tight and never letting go.  There is nothing I have done to deserve you, you are truly my gift from God and I am not worthy but oh so blessed to have you.


As the days go on, I will share more of what has be transpiring in the days since Mema passed.  I promise you a soap opera does not have this much drama! lol


For now, though, please know that I have felt each and everyone of your prayers and your love as you have been lifting me up.  Being a bad leaner, it is hard for me to accept, I am the support, I'm the one who helps, not leans.  And, I thank all of you, each and every one for being there (Patti, I didn't mean to leave you out!  Thank you (and Julie) for your hug in Mass and for crying with me and your texts!).  You all are awesome supports and I love each and every one of you.


Until next time,
give yourself big hugs from me!


Love,
Me

P.S.S  The pic with the pirate, my Mema was the pirate (this past Halloween she won first place) and the woman with her is my mom.

It is finished.

For the repose of the soul of Marie Masula, 92.  My Mema.  She passed away this morning at 12:45am






Until next time,
I selfishly ask for prayers of healing for my family.

Love,
Me

Awe

So, I have something to say today.  But, I don't know what it is.  It's more of a feeling that I want to share, but I'm not exactly sure how.  It's not just thankfulness, it's more than that.  I'm thinkin the word is awe.  Julie and I like to share this one conversation every so often about God.  It's about how in awe of Him we are.  Kind of like when you see the end result of something and you realize "wow, Dad really DOES know what He's doing!"  We're in awe of just how cool He truly is.  And, we like to say how we don't ever want to get to the point of not being in awe of Him.  Sort of like "yea, yea, nice rainbow, seen one, you've seen 'em all" or "nice tree, what else can you do?" Does that make sense?  It's just so cool to have these moments of awe with Dad. 

I had one such moment just a little bit ago.  I called my Julie.  She is amazingly awesome, no surprise there.  At the end of our conversation she said "I'll be on my cell all day if you need me".  That one sentence just blew me away.  I was talking to George not too long after and I shared that thought with him.  And, I explained how I will never cease to be amazed one, that I actually have friends, and two, and most importantly, that these friends are so utterly cool and amazing that how I am friends with them is only because of God.  Somehow He found me worthy enough to be friends with them.   Take for instance my Carol.  The other day, when Mema first went into the hospital, I hung out at Carol's house.  I didn't talk, much.  A lot less than normal, and she knew that I just needed to be around her.  Then today both her and Julie said the same thing.  When they asked how I was, I replied I was fine.  They both said "you're not, but that's okay".  That was such an awe moment for me.  I love that they know me so well.

On the death watch 2010 front, Mema made it through the night.  She's being kept calm and at peace with meds as she is insisting she wants to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. lol  My grandma is nothing if not stubborn and at 92 no one is going to tell her what to do! lol  This cracks me up because she and I are a lot alike.

If you wouldn't mind praying for my sisters father-in-law, Mel.  He just had a stroke and his cancer is back.  Also, a friend from York was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and it has spread to her liver.  And then two young boys (about 12) were in a jet ski accident and both are in critical condition.  And finally, for Jimmie Herman.  The world is a lot bigger than me, even though I like to think that it revolves around me sometimes (apparently, my teenagers believe it revolves around them ALL the time lol!) and hey, if you ever run out of people to pray for, there's always the souls in purgatory :)

Until next time,
Relax.  You've had a busy week catching up from having Monday off.  Enjoy your weekend and know that I love you, always.

Love,
Me

Today

Today was such a very long day.  It was intentionally busy.  By that, I mean that I purposefully kept myself busy.  I ran any errands I could think to run.  I was home maybe a total of an hour.  I went to Carol's house (the monkey cave for those of you of four square, Javier, I'm the Mayor already! ha ha), Went to the library, and went to Tina's house (no name for her house as of yet, lol).  Tina was suppose to host bunco tonight.  As I think you all know, after years of not belonging to a group, I created my own.  While helping Tina get ready for bunco, she really wasn't feeling well.  FINALLY she called the doctors (she's 7 months pregnant).  They want her to head to the hospital.  So, I offer to cancel bunco for tonight as we are already short two people anyway.  She say "no".  So, I offer to host.  I then call people and have my friend Liz email them to let everyone know of the house change.  I then run to Kroger's to get snacks.  Come home, straighten the house and then get everything ready.

By this time, I am ready to drop.  I am physically exhausted and emotionally spent.  Then everyone showed up, well eight people showed up.  When I created this group, I prayed to Bob (the Holy Spirit) and asked Him who I should invite into the group.  He told me to pick the people that I love and that I want to spend more time with but really never get too.  After that, it was an easy choice.  Tonight, these eight women walked in the door, and as tired as I was, it didn't matter.  These eight women, Carol, Patti, Shelia, Carolina, Suzanne, Shannon and Liz.  They came and ate and drank and played bunco, and laughed with me.  We still need to find a name for our group but I'll tell you, I never, ever laugh so hard as I do on our bunco nights.  I sat there and just enjoyed being.  They all know about Mema.  They knew I really didn't feel like talking about it but they were there if I wanted too.  They, as always, are loving and supportive and it was a really great gift from God, not just tonight, but the group in and of itself. During the evening Tina and I kept in touch so we would all know how she was.  Six hours after going to the hospital she got to go home, tired, but fine.  During the night, even with all the laughs, my heart was heavy.

Mema made it through the night.  Then, today, the reality of the situation hit her and she just cried.  Hearing that just broke my heart.  I check in every two hours to get updates.  She sleeps constantly and her eyes don't move.  When she does wake up, she gets upset because she wants out of bed and her left side isn't cooperating because of the paralasis due to the stroke yesterday.  She can comprehend, but she can't talk anymore, which, makes her telling me she loved me yesterday even more special.

Another gift from God today was that my sister called to check in and make sure I'm alright.  It used to be years ago she and I were not close at all.  But that has changed dramatically.  That made me happy.

Now, everyone is gone, the kids are in bed.  Maria leaves for Steubenville tomorrow.  And I have to stop.  There's nothing left for me to do today.  I have no errands left to run and the house is cleaned up and now I have to stop.  Stopping means sitting still and thinking and that just does no one any good. lol  When I am busy I am concentrating on the task I'm doing or where I'm going next.  Sitting just makes me think and be irritated with God.  Yea, I'm not super irritated with Him, I never am for long anyway.  I'm irritated b/c like any child, I want MY way and I want it NOW!  I so wanted to be there before and now.  Like I said yesterday, I accept His plan, I just don't like it.

I am tired.  I don't sleep all that well usually.  Alyssa, if you ever wanna go out for coffee, Ihop is open 24 hours :)  But, it's late.  And so, I'm going to try and get some sleep.  Thank you all for being here.  Sharon, you are such an amazing friend.  Thank you for being so close even though you are so far away.  Carol, thank you for being there and letting me be quiet.  And, Tina, thank you for letting me boss you around today.  And a big thank you to whoever put Mema on the prayer chain.

Until next time,
Please continue to pray for a peaceful death for my Mema.

Love,
Me

Pictures

Little known fact about me, I love to take pictures.  I love to take pictures of my friends and my family.  More importantly, I like to take pictures with my friends and my family.  This doesn't come from a conceited part of me that I keep hidden from the world.  It comes from a place of happiness.  Well, not just happiness.  Most of the time it's documented proof that I didn't imagine George, or Carol, or Julie.  One of my deepest regrets in life, if not *the* greatest regret is that I only have two, maybe three pictures of me and Mom total.  And, we're in one together, but we're hugging so you can't see her face and in another it's from my engagement party and it's all of us.  I don't have any just her and I.  So, I'll look at the picture of her and I hugging on my mantle (the pictures on the mantle, we weren't hugging on the mantle) from my wedding and I know she was real.

I have pictures of me and Carol (I seriously need to get updated ones though), of me and Tina.  Of  me and my Julie, me and my Sharon.  And of course, me and my George.  And, not to be left out, I have pics of me and the kids.  However, there is one picture that has alluded me for months.  It is a picture that's oh about 35 years old at least.  It is a picture of my Mema and me on a bright sunny day with our faces squished next to each other for the picture.  Ever since Memas been going down hill I've been looking for it.  Yes, I have other pics of Mema and me growing up but that one is my favorite.

Mema has had good days and bad.  Today was the worst.  I called to talk to Mom this morning and she said it wasn't a good time.  When I asked why, she said they were waiting on the ambulance to come and help put Mema in bed.  She said that Mema wasn't coherent.  At that point, I told my mom to tell Mema I loved her.  She said for me to tell her and held the phone up to her ear.  I told her "I love you, Mema!"  And she slurred back that she loved me.  Then, I prayed a rosary for a peaceful death for her and asked Mary and Jesus to meet her with open arms.  I called a couple hours later and they were now taking Mema to the hospital.  Turns out she had had a major heart attack and stroke when I had called and continued to have heart attacks since then.  I called back a couple hours later and she's in the hospital asleep.  Resting comfortably.  My mom is with her as is my uncle and aunt.  While talking to my mom a little while ago for an update, I asked my mom how Mema looked.  She asked if I wanted a picture and I said yes.  God love the marvels of technology as my mom texted me a picture of Mema.  She's looks peaceful.  Grey, but peaceful.  I'd be surprised if she wakes up.  The doctors are saying anything from a day to a week so..

George was kind of taken aback that I wanted a picture of her on her death bed.  I can't really explain it.  I know wholeheartedly that God didn't want me to be with  her before she passed.  I accept this fact.  I DON'T LIKE IT, but I accept it.  But, having the picture, getting to tell her I love her, and talking to my mom every couple hours makes me feel like I am there.  I am blessed beyond all measure that I was even granted the opportunity to tell her I loved her.  Funny thing is, I normally don't call my mom so early in the morning but both times I was told to call.  I thank God for telling me to call and thank God that I actually listened.

So, here I sit, unable to find the picture I really want.  I tried to scan in a different picture, but that's not working either.  Sigh.

It has been a very long, very emotionally draining day.  I know that all of you are here and you will never know just how much that means to me.  How much each of you mean to me.  So, if you see me with my iphone out snapping pictures or grab you for a photo, go easy on me.  It's because I love you that I want to document our time together.  Y'know for when senility sets in (well, sets in more, I do have three teenagers and I'm lucky I can remember my name.  Days of the week, not so much lol).  When that happens I can look at the pictures of us and see God's love.

Until next time,
I'm greedily asking for prayers for a peaceful death for my Mema.

Love,
Me

Dear Everyone

I promise you, I'm not going insane, I just have little moments now and then.  I'm trying to figure out how to get everyone the blog easier than email.  I've added a subscribe button down on the right, under the follow tab, and whenever I update the blog, you'll get notified. 

While it is Independence Day, and I've had a beautiful day with my family, I've come to realize, no matter how hard I try, there are some things you cannot declare your independence from.  Case in point, my Dad, Joe.  If you recall, I blogged right before Father's Day about him.  Why is it that no matter how hard I try not to let him bother me, he does?  He emailed me one line wishing me a Happy July 4th and saying he missed me.  So, I called to say hello.  And, in the middle of the conversation, WHAM, right between the eyes.  He and Sarah are going on one more cruise to Europe for 28 days!  Why does this bother me so?  I'll tell you, I've been in TX 6 years.  We bought our first house here (our current house), we settled our family here.  He's never come to visit.  He hasn't seen the kids other than infrequent pictures since they were toddlers.  I was able to see him last August on my whirlwind trip home.  He doesn't know anything about my family.  He doesn't know my sister, Carol.  He hasn't seen my second home, St. Jude's.  He hasn't met my friends, tasted any of the meals I cook.  None of it.  Yet, he visits my sister, Tina, granted she's 9 hours away instead of 24.  He gets to see her a few times a year.  Me, the trip home in August was the first in 8 or 9 years.  I say, in his eyes, I'm the black sheep of the family.  I *understand* that he loves me the best he knows how, I *understand* he loves me to the best of his ability.  I *understand* that I didn't fail him has a daughter.  I *understand* all of that.  But yet, there's something inside of me, that when I hear he's going on another trip instead of coming to see me, just breaks my heart all over again. 

Now, I know what you're going to say, and trust me, it's nothing I haven't told myself.  I've got my Dad, George, my true Dad.  Which I truly do and he means the world to me.  And, I have God, my amazing father.  Who's always here for me, no matter what.  He loves me unconditionally.  Still, knowing all that, it's still a blow that I am not good enough for my dad, Joe to come see me.  So, I hold fast to my Dad, George and God.  I cling to them and know that for them, just being me, I am enough.

Until next time,
click on the subscribe button :)
Then, have a happy Independence Day!

Love,
Me

Happy Independence Day

My heart hurts tonight.  I mean, I'm okay.  I had a beautiful day with my family.  Today's my Mom's birthday.  Lots of good things.  However, tonight, after a phone call, I am sad and longing to be in South Carolina with my Mom and Mema.  The call, I talked to my Mema.  More like yelled instead of talked as she has lost lots more of her hearing.  As always, she was happy to hear from me.  It's just the same dance about not being able to see her that hurts.  I'm sure that is God's plan, and I'm okay with that, honestly I am.  I'm just bummed.  Don't get me wrong, I trust in Him completely, but sometimes, His plans bum me out a little.  This too shall pass.

On the plus side, I got a beautiful email from my Mike today.  You know what he said?  He said one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me.  He just got finished catching up on this blog and he emailed me and said that he was worried about me.  But that wasn't the beautiful part.  The beautiful part was how he reminded me of Jesus.  How he was Jesus to me.  He said for me to picture him giving me a hug and for me to give my depression to him.  That he would fight it for me.  If that's not something Jesus would do, or did, I don't know what is.  In this day and age, who does that?  I mean other than a parent to their child, and then you never tell them.  You ask God to give their hurt to you.  Sure, we help others carry their crosses, but rarely is it ever talked about.  But, truly, who asks people, who witnesses to their friends and says, "here, I'll fight this fight for you, you rest?"   That was truly amazing and something that I needed to hear.  I told him I'm okay, because truly I am.  The medicine has just about kicked in.  I am very thankful for that.  And, I've increased my prayer time, and my adoration time(see Sharon, I listened!  A first, I'm sure! lol) so, that has helped as well.

On the must everything go at the same time front, not only is the dishwasher on it's death kneel, the microwave bit it.  lol  On the how cool is that front, yesterday, I took my Carol and her kids to the Treasure Chest!  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's part of the Allen Community Outreach resale shop.  What doesn't sell there, goes to the Treasure Chest.  It's only open the first and third Friday's and Saturday's.  I got a end table, a lamp, and some clothes for $6.75!  Carol cleaned up too, she got two desks and three office chairs for a total of $10.50.  Then, I went back with Jaime b/c he needed a lamp for his room and got a lamp, with shade for $1.50!  Today, I took Sarah b/c she couldn't go yesterday.  I got another end table and lamp (for the playroom which after a major overhaul is now dubbed the kids living room or teen room, lol)  AND, here's the best part, Sarah got almost an entirely new wardrobe!  Brand name too!  Liz Claiborne, Nine West, Banana Republic, Express, Ann Klein, and Geoffrey Beene!  Each clothing item was $.25!!!  She got a new wardrobe for $3.75!!!!!  Well, not all of it was hers, lol, George got a Geoffrey Beene shirt and Maria got a Liz Claiborne shirt, but other than that, it was all hers!  HOW COOL IS THAT!!!  AMAZING!  I so love a great find!  You all know how I love the sales at the Uber Shop, but this is just ridiculous!!!!  I can hardly wait till the end of the month!!!

On the other good news front, My Amy (Morris) and I decided where we are going to celebrate our birthday this year!!!  For those of you who don't know, her birthday is the day after mine, minus three years.  For the last five years (since we've been friends really) we celebrate our birthdays together.  We've gone to see Michael Buble twice, we've gone to Dick's last resort, we've done Pete's Dueling Piano, and last year was Karaoke.  This year, I am so excited!!!  We are doing a murder mystery dinner!  http://murdermysterytexas.com/reservations/dinners/   There were a few to choose from.  The celebrity look alike one looked like fun, but too campy, there was a hillbilly type one, and this one that we chose.  So, I am really excited about it!!!  More great news, My Greta and My Teresa are all better after their surgeries :)  That makes me so very happy!  My Julie and her Mom, Kathy have had major prayers answered this week too, and that just makes me even happier.  Oh, and on Monday, it was My Carol's birthday (for those of you who didn't know b/c I sang it from the roof tops :D)  She makes me immensely happy.  On Tuesday, I got to see My Tina.  Sure, we talk everyday, but I hadn't seen her in weeks.  We happened to be at church at the same time and ended up going for coffee.  It totally made my day!  And then, there's my husband, George.  There's really not enough words to tell you all how he is my rock.  He is so full of love and support.  He checks in and up on me.  He knows when to leave me alone and he knows when to keep pushing even when I tell him, not so kindly, to back off.  He is the love of my life and I cannot get through the day without him :)

So, in a nut shell, I am blessed beyond all measure.  Even with depression, a dying Mema and appliances that don't work, I am blessed.  You and I, we walk through the valleys, we climb the mountains, and we carry our crosses.  But, we are blessed, because we do it together.  You and I, WE are richly blessed.


Until next time,
Pray for all of those who serve our beloved country so that we can be free.


Love,
Me


PS.  on the website itself www.chrpangel.blogspot.com there is a follow button.  Click that and you'll automatically be notified when the blog is updated.  The email method won't be available much longer.