Tuesday, October 5, 2010

30 Seconds

I stopped by church today, I had a form to drop off.  As I was leaving, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while and while talking to her and the receptionist, my friend mentioned that her parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.  How cool is that?  I mentioned that my Dad tapped out at 35 years.  This garnered quit a few laughs.  Then, I was on my way.

Then, I got to thinking.  I know, usually, that's never a good idea, but this one wasn't half bad.  I wondered what my life would have been like, had my parents stayed together all this time.  Would my Dad ever truly grow to appreciate the quirkiness that I am?  Would my parents go on trips and vacations?  Would they come and visit me?  Would I have a relationship, a true relationship with my Dad?  Would he ever love me the way I wanted/needed him too? 

Then, I pictured all of this and you know what?  It wasn't that great.  I saw my life before my parents split (I was 27) and had they stayed together, things would've stayed the same as they always were.  My mom, God love her, would still be covering up for my dad with us kids.  My rose colored glasses would still be on.  I'd still think my Dad hung the moon.  I'd still think that my Dad liked me.  Within the last 14 years, my Dad remarried (almost immediately), I watched my mom suffer greatly, at times at my own hands.  I lost my Grandpa whom I adored.  I watch Mema grieve at the loss of my Dad as he was more of a son to her than the four she had.  I watched as my Mom took in Mema, and I use the term took in loosely.  There was never any doubt where Mema would go.  And, I don't want to imply that Mema was a burden.  She was never a burden.  She was an angel here on earth.  Sure, her and my Mom disagreed occasionally, that's to be expected but it was rare.  I watched my Mom grow in her self-confidence.  It's still not as good as it could be, but really, whose is?  And, if you grew up in my home, you'd realize why I am the way I am, why my self confidence isn't as good as it could be either.  But, starting with none, my Mom and I haven't done too bad over the last 14 years.  I realized during the first few years that my Dad, sadly, was human.  Human with faults, and needs and wants.  He did not belong on the pedestal that I had erroneously placed him on (too much watching tv shows where the daughters were Daddy's little girls I guess).  I learned a lot about myself too.  I learned I was a lot stronger than I ever thought (thanks, Mom).  Not many people know this, but I was a single Mom of three kids under 3.  I faced a lot of fears during this time.  I drove over the infamous old cooper river bridge in Charleston, SC to work by myself (thanks again, Mom), I constantly looked over my shoulder.  I was rail thin (hard to believe, I know, but stress and fear will do that to you).  I found that I could stand on my own two feet.  I met the love of my life, George and his amazing family.  His mother ROCKED.  There's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her.  His Dad, well, you all know how much I love him and how much of a Dad he is to me (and he's coming down for Thanksgiving!!!! WOOHOO).  Then, at 35 I discovered my faith.  I say discovered instead of rediscovered because I don't think I ever really did anything with it before.  I realized my Dad does love me, just in his own way, not in the way I want or need, but in his own way.  I realized that he's really old.  He's only 70 but he's really old.  Kids are noisy, he doesn't like to fly, or come visit me.  I'll leave out about the part how he and his wife Sarah travel everywhere all the time. lol  I've realized just how amazing my mom really is (she's coming down in December hopefully!!!!)  I realized I am not strong enough to do this life thing on my own.  That I have anxiety and panic disorder, that I had to be on meds, got off of em for a while and now back on them and that's okay.  I realized I'll never have another child with George.  I realized in five years all my kids will be in college.  And, I realized, that God is the best father I ever could have asked for.

Yea, all of that from a 30 second conversation at church today.  Amazing, no?  All in all, it's a great reminder how awesome God is.  How he can take what you think is the worst thing that could happen to you and turn it around and have so much good come out of it!

Until next time,
God thinks you are amazing and so do I.


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