Tuesday, October 26, 2010

How you doin?

I'm not the best sleeper in the world. Sometimes I do get to sleep through the night. But mostly, I toss around, too hot or too cold. The bed is old. And, when I do fall asleep, lately I have weird dreams. And, even weirder is a recurring dream I have from someone in my not so distant past. Someone I love. While the circumstances are always different, the thing that stays the same is that the person is here, with me. I see them and walk up to them, we are shocked to see each other, then we hug and then let go. I tell our mutual friends that said friend is back and they really don't believe me. I tell them how I've dreamed the same dream for a while that this person was back and here they are! They really don't have anything to say. Then, they see our friend and they are happy too.

I know why my friend left. It was what they had to do, but I miss my friend terribly and nothing has been the same since they left. The pain in my heart has lessened, now it's just a dull ache, and it's been over a year since they left.

Life is okay now. Depending upon what your version of okay is. George is still contracting, work is still blah since the personnel change, I'm tired lately, I miss Mema, and I miss George's Mom. Sometimes, and no one knows this, save George, but sometimes, I'll look at the picture of Mom and me (his Mom) and I'll ask him "she was really here, right? She really loved me? We had a relationship, I just didn't imagine it all, right?" And, he will say indeed, she was here. Now, I find myself looking at my pictures of Mema which are everywhere, even in my bathroom, and I wonder if she was really here or did I imagine it all.

My sister, Tina, God love her. One day not too long ago, she said something most profound. She said 'wow, your childhood really messed you up" I'm paraphrasing here, but the conversation was on my lack of friends and how now I am uber grateful for each and everyone of you. She meant it in the most beautiful way. So, after Mom and now Mema died. Part of me is afraid that my life here in Texas just didn't happen. That I'm gonna wake up one day, back in Pittsburgh, back in that house, back in that situation. No George, No George's parents. No Carol, No Julie, No Alyssa, No Tina, No Sharon, No you guys. I'll wake up and realize that I dreamed the most beautiful dream and sadly, it was a dream. Just like the dreams I have been having about my friend who left. Then, other times, I look at pictures of George's mom and I, or Mema and I'll say to myself "it was real" "she was here". Sometimes just once, sometimes three times (the ocd in me), but I tell myself it anyway.

In three days it will be the first anniversary of the death of my beloved friend Vicki. Maybe that's what has me so melancholy. I miss her. Mind you we didn't talk or email everyday. We were moment friends. Every time we met, which was sporadic, we would have moments. And, she knew me and knew how much I loved her and I knew her. Her wonderful, amazing spirit, and that she loved me. Watching her and her husband, My Russ, it was the most beautiful example of marriage.

My hearts a little heavy tonight, or should I say this morning? I'm missing Mema lately more than it almost seems I can take. I miss my mom (even though she's coming up to visit this December!!!!) It's been over a year since I've seen her. And, I miss Dad (George's). He's coming down for Thanksgiving!!!! I'm missing my sister and her family and really wish they could come visit, but with both of them in retail, that's really not an option. And, I miss God. I know He's around. I know He's working on something just for me, but He's been awfully quiet. But then again so have I.

It's well past the bewitching hour and work seems to come earlier each day, so with that I'll say sweet dreams.

Until next time,
Sorry, Carol, but I'm running again. Didn't mean to, it just happened.


No comments: