Today, I took a mental health day off of work. Things have been really, well, jumbled as of late. I, for one, haven't been myself. As you know, I've been attacked as of late. And, it turns out, I'm not the only one. One of my friends and I chatted all the way from her college, she's being attacked. One of my good friends and I sat outside her house last night talking, she's being attacked. One of my friends, he's being attacked. And, I can tell you without a doubt, my workplace is under attack.
Weary and exhausted from being attacked and feeling hopeless, what's a girl to do! Raise your hand if you said 'adoration'. Now, Raise your hand if you said "wcw (whine, cry, and wallow)" Okay, you can put your hands down now. You are both right! I was thinking this morning, before adoration, of all the ways that the little guy attacks me. You've got to give the devil his due, literally, he's good at his job. He gets me through many avenues. Many I'm sure I don't even know about. However, here are a couple of the ones I do know about. The easiest one he uses is death. Namely, mine. It scares the crap outta me. The unknown (even though I have a hunch where I'm going). The little guy likes to prey on my fear that it will be all darkness and I will be alone. I won't be able to see anyone or anything. It will be just darkness and me. Yea, that scares me. That's the easiest and the quickest way for him to get to me. But, as I've gotten older, and maybe a grain or two wiser, I know it's him and I tell him to go away. BEGONE! Then, sometimes he's more sneaky. He preys on my emotions. That no one really likes me, save George, and that's only b/c he was getting up there and couldn't find anyone better so he settled for a broken girl with three young kids. The little guy brings up my friendless, lonely childhood. Then, he shows me my current life. He shows me how busy everyone is. How they don't have time for me. Even my bestest of friends with whom I share everything (and I do mean everything....it's like TABASCO PEOPLE IT BURNS!!! lol) we can joke and play but sometimes when the jokes on me (usually, I don't mind, I really have fun with it), but sometimes, he whispers to me "even they don't like you, really." And, then I sink deeper and deeper. Yes, I know what you're going to say. I truly do, and most of the time, I know I am loved. It still to this day surprises the crap out of me (that was another post lol) but I know and believe it. But sometimes, when I'm not doing so hot, yea, that's how he gets me. All sneaky like.
I'm trying to decide what's harder, sitting and listening to all the little guys crap that he likes to spew, or climbing out of the pit of despair (Princess Bride reference!). They're both pretty hard. One of my really good friends whom I've come to adore lately (and Jules, we might have to make her part of our pod and I don't say that lightly) said something the other day. She said "when we feel farthest from Jesus is when we are actually closest to Him." Profound thought, no? So that means, in this valley I and my friends have been walking, yea, He's right here with us. Something we tend to forget. It's great to have reminders every now and again.
Today, before adoration, I went to confession with Fr. Tuan. As I'm listing my sins and talking (not even five minutes, I wasn't *that* bad this month), I'm watching him look around his desk and I wondered if he's even listening to me. Then, as he starts to talk, he's still looking around his desk and then through a stack of prayer cards. I notice one he's given me before. Then, I catch something he says. He was talking about being tempted. I confessed that at work, it's been really hard lately not to fall into the complaining group b/c everyone is irked lately over a situation that has arose. Fr. Tuan starts to talk about temptation and mentions the computer and how some people are tempted. And, my first thought is "seriously, he can't be comparing my work situation to internet porn is he?" I don't think he was. Then, he handed me the prayer card and it was the same one as before, which kinda irked me. But then I realized that God was saying 'you're not getting it, you big dummy'. Yes, sometimes God channels Fred Sandford.
The prayer card was from Corinthians Love is patient, blah, blah, blah. So, I take this card to adoration and really read over it. It was a shortened version of the reading. Love is patient, kind, doesn't rejoice in wrongdoings of others. "Wow", I thought to myself, clearly I am not as loving as I thought I was. I have not been any of these things at work lately. Which made me feel even worse about myself. Then, I got to the bottom of the card...'love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things'. Then, I thought, yea, I'm gonna be okay. Me and my merry band of those being attacked lately, we are gonna be just fine!
Until next time,
Today is the feast day of my very, absolutely, favorite saint, Saint Therese! Today, I ask you to do just one little thing, no matter how small, with great love for someone :D