Surrender

Where to begin?

I've been drowning. I've been way over my head in grief, anger, despair, tiredness, and general ickyness.

We hit the 6 month mile marker for mom's death. That week was a barrel of monkey's. Work is going well. I have a few burning embers as remnants of my spiritual life. I got a major smack down by God two weeks in a row. And, it's summer time and the kids are home (aside from mission week and vbs). These last few weeks have been quite an adjustment.

Good news...

I got my regular therapist back. Work is going well. I've lost four pounds. And, God hasn't forgotten about me. Not that He would, just sometimes it feels like He has. I know He loves me. Some days, it feels like He is the only one.

Over the last two weeks, He has constantly reminded me that I am a control freak, that I'm trying to control everything and everyone. That I'm trying to do it all alone and I can't. He has used my friends to call me and talk to me through them. My personal favorite was the call from Patti this past week. She starts the conversation with "The Holy Spirit told me to call you, how are you doing?" And even though I protested that I was "fine" Patti, with the Holy Spirit, knew what questions to ask and what buttons to push to get to what has been going on and to give me her sage wisdom of which she never takes credit for. Patti, a chrp sister, and part of my family, does this thing that I just adore. Occasionally, when we talk on the phone, she will just bust out the most gorgeous prayers you've ever heard (as she did as recently this evening!). So, I am working on surrendering. Some days, it a minute by minute thing, other days it's an hour by hour thing. But I am learning to surrender.

If you ever have one of those days where you feel all alone or that you don't belong I recommend Psalm 139. You are loved!

Until we meet again,
Love,
Me

The Crosses We Carry Part Two

God bless Carol! I was looking for this caption to add to my post last night but could not find it. And, sure enough this morning, Carol had sent me another one. She rocks!

Love,
Me

Every once and a while, a seemingly-simple email comes around that ends up being quite profound. This is one of them.

Awesome!! We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us

for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.

Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine, after the rain....
Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;
But God's always ready, to answer your call....
He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear...
Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light...
The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,
to give you His grace, and send you His love.

May God fill your day with blessings!!

The Crosses We Carry

It's June 1st today. In two days, it will be exactly six months that Mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. In three days, it will be exactly six months that she had her first chemo treatment. In four days, it will be exactly six months since she was admitted into the hospital. And, in six days it will be exactly six months since I purchased the holding cross. I heard about the holding cross from my dear friend Patti. So, I looked it up. Turns out they're located in Frisco, TX about 20 minutes or so away. So, I gave them a call and asked if I could come pick one up. I spoke with the owner Carol, who explained that they were getting ready to go to a trade days show and would be closed the next day. So, I then explained about Mom, her diagnosis, and that my husband was going up the next afternoon to spend the weekend with her. Without blinking an eye, Carol said to come by the next day and she would open the store especially for me so that I could get the holding cross to Mom. Since I'm not a big fan of Frisco (too congestive and busy) and don't know my way around, I asked Carol, my best friend, to go with me. I thought it a gift from God then, and I still do, that the woman who owns the store's name was Carol, my best friend is Carol, and Mom's name is Carol. We, the kids and George and I went to Mass with the kids that evening. We all prayed over the cross. We passed it back and forth during the Mass. It brought each of us a comfort of sorts.

So, George flew up to Philly to see his mom for what turned out to be the last time. She never got to hold or see the cross. There were too many wires. When I went up for the funeral, I was able to bring the holding cross home. The cross stays with me always. It stays in my purse where I can touch it any time I need to. The cross was held by my son, on his birthday this year, as he received his confirmation. The cross was given to one of my best friends Kim K when she was in labor with her newest bundle of joy, Leo Joseph Kay. The cross is currently back in the hospital. Kim's Mom, Kathy, whom I adore has been in the hospital since last Wednesday evening. I was able to bring it to her on Thursday. She is still in the hospital we are still waiting to hear some news.

In two weeks it will be exactly six months since Mom passed. I don't like it anymore today then I did six months ago. Six months ago, I couldn't see how life could, let alone would, go on. But the days they do go by. And, time waits for no one. I'm sure there are a myriad of platitudes I could spew but I am too tired. The point being that each day of the last six months has been a struggle in one way or another. Some days my cross is so heavy I feel like I am walking through wet sand. Some days I miss Mom so much I don't think I can breathe. Some days, I am emotionally and spiritually brought to my knees. Then, I saw a sign last week, it said pain is inevitable suffering is optional. I know it's only been a week since I saw it, but I've tried to think of it as situations arise.

I know I am not the first person to lose someone they love so dearly, nor will I be the last. I know compared to many, my crosses that I carry may seem small. I have a friend who lost two parents within two years of each other. Most recently his mother right before Mother's Day. I have a friend whose Mom is battling cancer. Patti's mother-in-law is battling cancer. I have a friend who battled breast cancer last year, a friend who lost a son-in-law, a friend who lost a child. I have a friend who lost her best friend after a four year battle with cancer. I have friends who've had miscarriages, divorces, job losses and legal situations. However, I cannot compare my crosses to theirs. My cross while most days seems too heavy to bear, is apparently the right size made just for me.

So, as life goes on as it inevitably does, I will continue to take it day by day. Some days minute by minute and one day I will look up and sadly it will be a year that has passed. However, I am lucky. No, I am blessed. I am blessed beyond all measure. Not only because I have a loving Father who carries me when I am weak and knows every tear that I cry, not just because I have a loving family and a close support group of friends who are there for me no matter what, but because I was able to spend almost ten years with a wonderful woman who taught me so much about faith and marriage and unconditional love. I love you, Mom.

Love,
Me

Three is a magic number...

Yes, it is. I so love that song from schoolhouse rock! While I'm sure three is a magic number, the magic number for today is thirty-three. Thirty-three years ago today, my life changed (among the other thousand and one times, it has changed). My baby brother was born.

Growing up with my baby brother was awesome, most of the time...sometimes...occasionally...lol. There was the time my brother had a 'stomper' Christmas. He was a big fan of the stomper off road trucks. So, he told Santa and the family and everyone that he wanted stompers for Christmas and that's exactly what he got...along with a six foot long aircraft carrier, lol. There was the time when I was taking college classes, for my pet peeve speech, my topic was my baby brother.

During our time together growing up, we had our ups and our downs and downs and downs and ups. I have seen my brother grow from a little baby, to an annoying toddler, to his first girlfriend. I've seen him sick, tired, and irritable. I've seen him happy and full of life and laughter. I've watched him grow and go to his prom. We've been as thick as thieves and as distant as people from different countries. We have laughed with each other and yelled at each other. We simply are.

My baby brother is my joy and my delight. Our lives are a woven tapestry of conversations. Woven with fabrics of joy and pain, held together by the strong threads of love. I cannot celebrate with my brother this year as he is overseas serving our great country. However, that does not mean that I cannot celebrate him and all that he is and all that I am thankful for. So, with that....

Happy Birthday, Unior! I love you and I miss you terribly. I am proud of you, I'm proud of the man that you have become. Be careful and be safe. I love you!

Love,
Nutmeg.

Why is it?

That it can storm strong enough to flood my lawn and knock down trees and fences in my neighborhood, yet it's not strong enough to remove the bird poop from the windows of my minivan?

Well, work is going well! I really love it. I work with a great group of people and the guests who come through the line. However, I'm waiting for this transition period to be over. You figure "hey, my job is over at 3:15pm that's great! I still have time to do stuff at home!" Yea, the only thing I've wanted to do the last three weeks is sit on my slowly-getting-smaller-hiney! I'm so exhausted at the end of my shift! Not to mention the fact that my plantars fasciitis is really acting up. Ouch :(

I had a good Mother's Day. Of course, it was clouded by the fact that Mom is gone, but George and the kids made it beautiful!

Tomorrow starts another week. Hopefully, I'll blog more.
Until we meet again!
Love,
Me

Ohana means family

Family means no one is left behind-or forgotten.

This is my family. My three beautiful kids and my very handsome husband. Very regal looking, wouldn't you say? This is from Jaime's 13th birthday last year. We took the family to Medieval Times.

Growing up, my childhood was somewhat difficult. I didn't have friends. Not really. I had a stuffed clown named "Mr. Noname" (he got that name b/c when asked his name I kept saying "no name, yet". I didn't have friends to hang out with, go to the mall with, anything. In my junior year I met Joyce and we've been friends ever since. Even though she lives tons of miles away in North Carolina, we've been through everything together although we only talk a couple times a year.

So, imagine my surprise when I moved to Texas, little did I know how much my family would grow. Through a retreat at church I met my very best friend, Carol. You've heard me talk about her many times. This is me and Carol. Carol and I are family. There's no two ways about it. She is my sister in every sense of the word. She's my big sister. She listens to me whine ad nausea, she gives me advice, she consoles me, she picks on me, she makes me laugh. She loves me. And, I love her. She is Aunt to my children and I to hers.

Today was a very special day. It was my nephews First Communion. And, I was blessed to be a Eucharistic Minister and get a close up view as they received Jesus in the Eucharist for the first time! And, with great pride, I said to the woman next to me, "those are my nephews!" Here they are, albeit not in there outfits from today...Don't they look adorable!?!?! The one on the left is Brennan and the one on the right is Justin. Yes, they're twins. When they were four, they looked so much alike, it took me six months to be able to tell them apart.

While I was blessed to be there for their big day, I was also there for another part of my family. The Kay's. Today was not only Olivia's First Communion, but also baby Leo's Baptism! Unfortunately, fatigue won out and we missed Leo's Baptism, but made it to his and Olivia's celebration afterward.

I can't help it, this is the most recent picture of my Olivia that I've got. She won the poster contest for the City of Allen Recycling and got to walk in the Allen Christmas Parade! Isn't she adorable!?!?!
And, this handsome little one is baby Leo! At the Kay's this evening, George had to leave early to go to work. He needed the car and asked Jeff if he wouldn't mind giving the kids and I a ride home. Jeff's response? "Of course. Dude, you're family, don't worry about it!" This meant the world to me. Jeff and I became friends when he called one day last summer looking for George and I recruited him to help me plan George's surprise 40th birthday party to be held 4 months before his actual birthday bwa ha ha! And, through the planning I gradually got to know his wife, Kim (that's Kim K, the nurse you've heard me talk about ad nausea as well!). When Mom got sick and was dying, Kim was a Godsend. She still is. Here we all are at the Winterlude this year. Don't we all look so swanky!?! Note, this is pre Leo as he is still in the oven cooking. These people, these few, are many to me. Coming from a place where friends are scarce and unconditional love is just a fantasy, they mean the world to me. They are my family. They love me warts and all. And, believe me, have I got warts! They'll even be happy to point them out for you :)


Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It is the first one without Mom. Here is a picture of her and Dad. It is hard not to think about her and focus on my children as that's exactly what she would want me to do. But alas, it is hard. I miss my Mom. As pig from the movie Babe says "I want my Mom!" But, you know what? She is not nor wills she ever be forgotten. As bad as I miss her and as much as times without her are hard, I am blessed. I have a wonderful family. They are a great support system and I couldn't be who I am without them. They are my Ohana. And without them I would definitely be left behind.

Wishing all of you a blessed Mother's Day. May many blessings come your way. Until we meet again.

Love,
Me

The Pricelss Quarter

Once upon a time, there was a girl (me) who loved a movie very, very much (Anne of Green Gables). I referenced the movie a lot. I could relate to the main character Ann with an 'e'. Never having a bosom friend, looking for kindred spirits, and a flair for the dramatics, and a penchant for the spoken word. My friends will tell you the last part definitely rings true (Carol, Julie, Tina, Patti, lol)

My in-laws, nay, my parents, know how much I love Anne of Green Gables. They'd travel to Canada from Philadelphia quite often. And, of course To Prince Edward Island, the setting for Anne of Green Gables.

What does this have to do with a priceless quarter, you ask? Well, be patient, I'm getting there! lol

Dad came down the latter part of last week to Texas for James' Confirmation (and 14th bday on the same day!). This visit was bittersweet. While I was chomping at the bit to see Dad, (this was the first visit since Mom's funeral), it was the first visit without Mom. Mom, who I would sit and talk with while dad and George watched the games on tv. Mom, who I'd talk to about absolutely nothing, But, that nothing meant everything to me. Now, Dad is showing us some postcards he brought George (hockey ones from Canada) and along with the postcards, I notice he has a coin to show us.

This is not an unusual occurrence as Dad is an avid coin and stamp collector. I have even commented to Dad that if someone told me when I was younger that I'd be into stamps and coins, I'd of said they were craaaaazy! But, when we went up for Mom's funeral, I found myself connecting with Dad in a whole new way. Sure, I'd always listened to him talk about stamps and coins, but for some reason, now, I was more interested. It wasn't as if I'd faked interest in them before (I hadn't). But some switch flicked on and all of a sudden, the coins became more interesting (the stamps too) and little by little, Dad has been sharing more about stamps and coins.

So, Dad had this coin in his hand that I thought he was just going to show us and of course I'd see all the cool stuff on it and give it back. That however, wasn't the case. Dad handed me the coin. It was inserted into a postcard. And, on the front of the coin, in color, was Anne from Anne of Green Gables! And the postcard reference the movie and all about Anne (or as much as you can fit on a postcard!) Yes, the coin is worth $.25. But that coin might as well be worth a gazillion dollars. My Dad. My Dad thought of me. He called the Canadian mint (or ordered it on their website). He made the effort because he knew how much I like Anne of Green Gables. My Dad, he loves me. My Dad is the greatest man I know. He's strong, and caring, and thoughtful. He's stoic, he's way smarter than I'll ever be. He is a man of great faith. He is a man of great love. He gave me my husband (as did Mom :)

So, while this weekend is now a bittersweet memory of the joy of my sons birthday and his confirmation and Dad's visit with the sting of the first visit without Mom, I know that everything is going to be all right. Like a Dad does, he makes everything better and while I still wish Mom was alive, I know that everything is going to be all right. And, when the bursts of grief hit, I'll just look at my priceless quarter and I'll be reminded of just how blessed I am. Blessed to have had Mom in my life for as long as I did, blessed to still have Dad, and blessed to have George and the kids. Wow, the power of a quarter, huh?

Blessings to you till we meet again.

Love,
Me