So, I go throughout my day and I'll find something quirky or something will grab me that I think I want to share here. Take for instance the email I got the other day from Catholic City about Lent. It was an awesome email. Then, at Mass this morning, it seemed like Fr. Tim was talking just to me. The Masses have been hitting me kind of hard as of late. But, I digress...I'll start writing the blog or some form of what I want to say before I get anywhere near the laptop. And, then sometimes, when I sit down, this blog takes on a life of its own.
This is one of those times.
If you don't mind, I need to vent. I just had a panic attack and I'm coming down from that. I am stretched more than I ever thought I could be. I am exhausted. Both physically and mentally. Did I tell you I got a new job this week? Cheddars. I'll be working there during the day (in the kitchen) as well as Olive Garden at night.
Today during Mass I did a great deal of thinking about Mom. And, then tonight, I had my attack. I talked to dad this afternoon. He is having a good day today. He's talking about volunteering now. He's attending a senior group with a Mom's best friend. He is still lonely, but he is making strides. I just realized, he is moving on. Slowly, but he is and that scares the crap out of me. No, I'm not worried about him meeting someone. Yes, I want him to be happy. But if he moves on, then she truly is gone. Makes no sense. This, I know.
Confession. Sometimes I'll stare at the picture of her and dad and remind myself that she really was here. That I did have almost ten glorious years with her and that she did, in fact love me. Not just because I married her son but for me. She loved me unconditionally.
Tonight. I don't know if it's b/c I'm pmsing, my hormones are going all wonky, stress or everything combined, but I am missing her terribly today. I am so exhausted, I cannot sleep. The anxiety is just sitting in my chest and the hole that was punched into my chest when Mom died somehow seems bigger.
It's been fourteen months since she died. It might as well have been forty. Today, I am missing her tremendously. I ache for her. Just to hear her voice.
And so, mix in an out of work husband for seven weeks, kids I have seen only glimpses of in passing whom I miss terribly, one bad orthodontist appointment, a new job, coordinating the old job with the new, not making time for my bible study that I so desperately want, the gas being shut off, the washer on its death kneel, and a mattress that is just as bad, missing my sister in Florida, coping with Mom's death,filing taxes,paying the house tax, and possible cysts on my ovaries, something was bound to snap.
So, I've made some African Honeybush Mandarin Orange Unwind Twinnings tea (I call it Mom's tea, it's what she drank). And, let's be honest here, if anyone needs to unwind, it's me. I am going to drink my tea, cry a little more, apparently, I am not all cried out yet,snuggle with my husband. Talk to God and hopefully fall asleep.
Until next time,
Thanks for your ears and for being here. I'll hopefully post the Catholic City message tomorrow, it really is a good one!