My heart hurts tonight. I mean, I'm okay. I had a beautiful day with my family. Today's my Mom's birthday. Lots of good things. However, tonight, after a phone call, I am sad and longing to be in South Carolina with my Mom and Mema. The call, I talked to my Mema. More like yelled instead of talked as she has lost lots more of her hearing. As always, she was happy to hear from me. It's just the same dance about not being able to see her that hurts. I'm sure that is God's plan, and I'm okay with that, honestly I am. I'm just bummed. Don't get me wrong, I trust in Him completely, but sometimes, His plans bum me out a little. This too shall pass.
On the plus side, I got a beautiful email from my Mike today. You know what he said? He said one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me. He just got finished catching up on this blog and he emailed me and said that he was worried about me. But that wasn't the beautiful part. The beautiful part was how he reminded me of Jesus. How he was Jesus to me. He said for me to picture him giving me a hug and for me to give my depression to him. That he would fight it for me. If that's not something Jesus would do, or did, I don't know what is. In this day and age, who does that? I mean other than a parent to their child, and then you never tell them. You ask God to give their hurt to you. Sure, we help others carry their crosses, but rarely is it ever talked about. But, truly, who asks people, who witnesses to their friends and says, "here, I'll fight this fight for you, you rest?" That was truly amazing and something that I needed to hear. I told him I'm okay, because truly I am. The medicine has just about kicked in. I am very thankful for that. And, I've increased my prayer time, and my adoration time(see Sharon, I listened! A first, I'm sure! lol) so, that has helped as well.
On the must everything go at the same time front, not only is the dishwasher on it's death kneel, the microwave bit it. lol On the how cool is that front, yesterday, I took my Carol and her kids to the Treasure Chest! For those of you who don't know what that is, it's part of the Allen Community Outreach resale shop. What doesn't sell there, goes to the Treasure Chest. It's only open the first and third Friday's and Saturday's. I got a end table, a lamp, and some clothes for $6.75! Carol cleaned up too, she got two desks and three office chairs for a total of $10.50. Then, I went back with Jaime b/c he needed a lamp for his room and got a lamp, with shade for $1.50! Today, I took Sarah b/c she couldn't go yesterday. I got another end table and lamp (for the playroom which after a major overhaul is now dubbed the kids living room or teen room, lol) AND, here's the best part, Sarah got almost an entirely new wardrobe! Brand name too! Liz Claiborne, Nine West, Banana Republic, Express, Ann Klein, and Geoffrey Beene! Each clothing item was $.25!!! She got a new wardrobe for $3.75!!!!! Well, not all of it was hers, lol, George got a Geoffrey Beene shirt and Maria got a Liz Claiborne shirt, but other than that, it was all hers! HOW COOL IS THAT!!! AMAZING! I so love a great find! You all know how I love the sales at the Uber Shop, but this is just ridiculous!!!! I can hardly wait till the end of the month!!!
On the other good news front, My Amy (Morris) and I decided where we are going to celebrate our birthday this year!!! For those of you who don't know, her birthday is the day after mine, minus three years. For the last five years (since we've been friends really) we celebrate our birthdays together. We've gone to see Michael Buble twice, we've gone to Dick's last resort, we've done Pete's Dueling Piano, and last year was Karaoke. This year, I am so excited!!! We are doing a murder mystery dinner! http://murdermysterytexas.com/reservations/dinners/ There were a few to choose from. The celebrity look alike one looked like fun, but too campy, there was a hillbilly type one, and this one that we chose. So, I am really excited about it!!! More great news, My Greta and My Teresa are all better after their surgeries :) That makes me so very happy! My Julie and her Mom, Kathy have had major prayers answered this week too, and that just makes me even happier. Oh, and on Monday, it was My Carol's birthday (for those of you who didn't know b/c I sang it from the roof tops :D) She makes me immensely happy. On Tuesday, I got to see My Tina. Sure, we talk everyday, but I hadn't seen her in weeks. We happened to be at church at the same time and ended up going for coffee. It totally made my day! And then, there's my husband, George. There's really not enough words to tell you all how he is my rock. He is so full of love and support. He checks in and up on me. He knows when to leave me alone and he knows when to keep pushing even when I tell him, not so kindly, to back off. He is the love of my life and I cannot get through the day without him :)
So, in a nut shell, I am blessed beyond all measure. Even with depression, a dying Mema and appliances that don't work, I am blessed. You and I, we walk through the valleys, we climb the mountains, and we carry our crosses. But, we are blessed, because we do it together. You and I, WE are richly blessed.
Until next time,
Pray for all of those who serve our beloved country so that we can be free.
Love,
Me
PS. on the website itself www.chrpangel.blogspot.com there is a follow button. Click that and you'll automatically be notified when the blog is updated. The email method won't be available much longer.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Confessions from the desk of the depressed
Today, I went to adoration. I hadn't been in a good long while, too long for me actually, a couple months I think. While I'm there, I did a lot of talking to Dad (God), I gave Him everything, and then some. Then, I sat and waited. We all know how patient I am . So finally, I asked Him "Okay, Dad, what do you want to tell me?" He replied that today was about me coming to Him. It wasn't about His answers. It was about me making the time to go visit Him and spend time with Him. Powerful, no?
As I am giving Him the barrage of what is weighing on me I start to think of the Cross and focus on the Cross. And, the more I thought about it, we're not just carrying A cross, we're carrying a bunch of little crosses too. I likened it to a Christmas tree. The tree can be any size, but it is adorned with ornaments. Our Cross we carry can also be any size, but instead of adorning it with ornaments, we adorn it with smaller Crosses. They're the ones we help others carry, at least I like to think so.
The other thing that struck me during adoration was compliments. I don't know if it's a woman thing, a middle child thing, or a Cancer (the astrological sign not the disease) thing. But, I have a hard time accepting compliments. Even something as simple as 'dinner was good'. Ask George, I drive him crazy. I think he only says 'dinner was good' so he doesn't hurt my feelings lol I always feel that I can do better, make a better meal, be a better friend, be a better wife. I'm constantly pushing myself and at times berating myself to do and be better. We were watching a show the other night and they commented on how in a relationship how one is the settler and the other is the reacher. I told George he was definitely the settler. He disagreed. That didn't sit well with me. Most of the time, I feel people look at us, George and I as a couple and wonder why God put us together. That he could have done so much better. Some one prettier, skinnier, smarter, funnier, kinder, just all around *better*. Usually, I tell these people that I am his penance and he is my saving grace. I feel that every day. The weird thing is two of my talents from God (the others are still hidden that's why they're called hidden talents) are Exhortation and Mercy. Yet, I cannot use this on myself. Why is it that we look at others beauty and talents through a 50" flat screen hd plasma tv yet we look at our own through a thimble? When you find the answer, please share b/c I'm sure I can't be the only one who is dying to know.
Then, after adoration I talked to Patti briefly (she totally rocks!) We've been talking quite a bit over the last few days. In the course of our conversations, we talked about confession. I told her I hadn't been in way too long, April, and that was too long. But, since Father Antony is gone (a year tomorrow :( ) and Father Tim has way too much on his plate, I don't want to take time from him, that leaves Fr. Tuan. And, I'm just not feelin it. So, after talking to Patti, I run into the church office real quick and guess whose by the front desk? Yup, Fr. Tuan. So, I hear God telling me to go to confession. Drats! So, I ask Fr. Tuan how he is and if he is busy. Good, and no. Then, I ask him if he has time for a confession. Of course he does! I confess my sins, get absolution and am done in like five minutes. I don't mean to blasphemy, truly, I don't, but since Fr. Antony left, confession is just lacking *something*! Sure, I get absolution. But to me, that's not the point of confession. It's about being there one on one with Jesus and *feeling* his presence and *feeling* his forgiveness. Lately, the last few times I've been to confession, I'm just not feeling it. Does that make me a bad Catholic? Am I looking for something that I can no longer get and that when I did have it was just part of confession with Father Antony? Sigh, I don't know.
All in all, today was a spiritually busy day. My head hurts from all wondering, talking, and confessing. So, I will leave you with this thought 'you can be 1,000 miles away from God. It only takes one step to come back to Him'.
Until next time,
Pray for the women's crhp outreach for St. Anthony's
love,
Me
As I am giving Him the barrage of what is weighing on me I start to think of the Cross and focus on the Cross. And, the more I thought about it, we're not just carrying A cross, we're carrying a bunch of little crosses too. I likened it to a Christmas tree. The tree can be any size, but it is adorned with ornaments. Our Cross we carry can also be any size, but instead of adorning it with ornaments, we adorn it with smaller Crosses. They're the ones we help others carry, at least I like to think so.
The other thing that struck me during adoration was compliments. I don't know if it's a woman thing, a middle child thing, or a Cancer (the astrological sign not the disease) thing. But, I have a hard time accepting compliments. Even something as simple as 'dinner was good'. Ask George, I drive him crazy. I think he only says 'dinner was good' so he doesn't hurt my feelings lol I always feel that I can do better, make a better meal, be a better friend, be a better wife. I'm constantly pushing myself and at times berating myself to do and be better. We were watching a show the other night and they commented on how in a relationship how one is the settler and the other is the reacher. I told George he was definitely the settler. He disagreed. That didn't sit well with me. Most of the time, I feel people look at us, George and I as a couple and wonder why God put us together. That he could have done so much better. Some one prettier, skinnier, smarter, funnier, kinder, just all around *better*. Usually, I tell these people that I am his penance and he is my saving grace. I feel that every day. The weird thing is two of my talents from God (the others are still hidden that's why they're called hidden talents) are Exhortation and Mercy. Yet, I cannot use this on myself. Why is it that we look at others beauty and talents through a 50" flat screen hd plasma tv yet we look at our own through a thimble? When you find the answer, please share b/c I'm sure I can't be the only one who is dying to know.
Then, after adoration I talked to Patti briefly (she totally rocks!) We've been talking quite a bit over the last few days. In the course of our conversations, we talked about confession. I told her I hadn't been in way too long, April, and that was too long. But, since Father Antony is gone (a year tomorrow :( ) and Father Tim has way too much on his plate, I don't want to take time from him, that leaves Fr. Tuan. And, I'm just not feelin it. So, after talking to Patti, I run into the church office real quick and guess whose by the front desk? Yup, Fr. Tuan. So, I hear God telling me to go to confession. Drats! So, I ask Fr. Tuan how he is and if he is busy. Good, and no. Then, I ask him if he has time for a confession. Of course he does! I confess my sins, get absolution and am done in like five minutes. I don't mean to blasphemy, truly, I don't, but since Fr. Antony left, confession is just lacking *something*! Sure, I get absolution. But to me, that's not the point of confession. It's about being there one on one with Jesus and *feeling* his presence and *feeling* his forgiveness. Lately, the last few times I've been to confession, I'm just not feeling it. Does that make me a bad Catholic? Am I looking for something that I can no longer get and that when I did have it was just part of confession with Father Antony? Sigh, I don't know.
All in all, today was a spiritually busy day. My head hurts from all wondering, talking, and confessing. So, I will leave you with this thought 'you can be 1,000 miles away from God. It only takes one step to come back to Him'.
Until next time,
Pray for the women's crhp outreach for St. Anthony's
love,
Me
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Father's Day
You know what I despise? I mean other than liver, tuna, and mean people. I totally and utterly despise shopping for Father's Day cards for my Dads. Yes, that's Dads as in plural. First we have my Dad, Joe. The man who 'raised' me. And by raised I mean sat on the couch watching tv, mowed the yard, and generally said 'no' to everything. He has mellowed over the years and we've come to an understanding of sorts, especially since my trip home last August. The understanding is this, I know he loves me the best he knows how. It's not how I needed to be loved growing up, but he loves me to the best of his ability and at almost forty-one years of age, I accept that. Now, try finding a Father's Day card for him! It bother's me to no end b/c they're all about how great the dad was growing up, how much he taught his daughter over the years, how he supported/supports her and encouraged/encourages her. Yea, that man, he's a man I would've liked to have known growing up and every year I go to look at the cards and I feel the same way. Sure, I've forgiven him for not being what I thought he should have been. And, yes, I love him b/c he is my dad. That doesn't make reading these cards any easier. And, I can be sane and rational about this 364 days a year, it's just that one day, that *one* day, when I go, I get irritated. I've gotten better mind you. Now, I don't get irritated for too long (this post notwithstanding) and I try to keep the past in the past.
On the flip side, we have my Dad, George. Technically, he's George's Dad. But, he has been my dad for the last ten years that George and I have been married, and before that, he was my friend for two. He is awesome! He is full of love, and support, and encouragement. He never makes you feel like an idiot. One of my favorite things to do is to make him smile or chuckle it just makes my day. Dad knows how much I love him. I've told him. I've written it in cards and in letters. And, the coolest thing? He loves me just as much as I love him. I look up to and admire him. He is a huge source of strength. I have disappointed him a time or two, totally unintentional, and he let me know it. But after he says his piece, he moves on from it. Now, try finding a card for him! All the Father-in-law cards have no weight behind the words. Especially, the 'from the both of us' cards. Some years, I find a really great from 'your daughter' card that doesn't talk about 'when I was little" and I get to send those. And, that makes me happy. But, finding them, not so much a fan as it takes forever. Today, today was that day. Looking for cards. So, I end up doing what I do every year. I find a card for my dad, George and then I'll end up calling my dad for Father's day. It's not always easy finding the generic Father's Day card that's blank inside. But, it's only Tuesday. I still have time!
Until next time,
Pray for the souls in purgatory.
Love,
Me
On the flip side, we have my Dad, George. Technically, he's George's Dad. But, he has been my dad for the last ten years that George and I have been married, and before that, he was my friend for two. He is awesome! He is full of love, and support, and encouragement. He never makes you feel like an idiot. One of my favorite things to do is to make him smile or chuckle it just makes my day. Dad knows how much I love him. I've told him. I've written it in cards and in letters. And, the coolest thing? He loves me just as much as I love him. I look up to and admire him. He is a huge source of strength. I have disappointed him a time or two, totally unintentional, and he let me know it. But after he says his piece, he moves on from it. Now, try finding a card for him! All the Father-in-law cards have no weight behind the words. Especially, the 'from the both of us' cards. Some years, I find a really great from 'your daughter' card that doesn't talk about 'when I was little" and I get to send those. And, that makes me happy. But, finding them, not so much a fan as it takes forever. Today, today was that day. Looking for cards. So, I end up doing what I do every year. I find a card for my dad, George and then I'll end up calling my dad for Father's day. It's not always easy finding the generic Father's Day card that's blank inside. But, it's only Tuesday. I still have time!
Until next time,
Pray for the souls in purgatory.
Love,
Me
Monday, June 14, 2010
Some days, I hate being human. I know that doesn't make much sense. I love my life, truly I do. Even the crosses that I have to carry. But, some days, my soul just gets so tired and I hate being human. Let me explain a little more. My faith is a good faith. It's like goldilocks, just the right size for me. And, I know no matter what is thrown my way that everything is going to be okay b/c God is in control and not me. But, then there are days when my faith, while still there, is out of wack. It's like, even though I know God has it all taken care of, I want to know how. I want to know when! Those are the days when I hate being human. So, on those days, I talk to myself (more than usual) and I remind myself that God has a plan. And, while I know He does, I am so unbelievably tired of that mantra. I know, I know, chin up, things could be worse. Trust me, you're not telling me anything I haven't told myself. My main source of angst is George's job. He's been working without a contract for four weeks. I can't fix it. I can't get him a job I can't make it better. Only God can. And, it seems no matter how much I pray it doesn't get any better. So, then I think, God has George at this job for a reason. I don't know what that reason is and apparently I'm not suppose to know the reason. This is very ANNOYING. Sigh.
Here's some news for you, I'm depressed. Not like, it's just a bad day tomorrow will be better. No actually depressed. The meds Dr. B put me on haven't kicked in yet. I think they have a little as I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. So, that's a good thing. But, on the whole, I don't feel like myself, which is weird for me. I mean I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy. I'm not excited or angry. I just kind of am. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm okay. Just not exactly feeling like me. I'm trying not to worry and not obsess over things I don't have control over (read everything! lol). I am truly blessed I know that. And, so I am trying to concentrate on my blessings. I see my friends struggling with things and I so want to help them, yet I can't. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time and some days, it one minute at a time.
Until next time,
Have a beer or a glass of wine and spend time with the one you love :)
Love,
Me
Here's some news for you, I'm depressed. Not like, it's just a bad day tomorrow will be better. No actually depressed. The meds Dr. B put me on haven't kicked in yet. I think they have a little as I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. So, that's a good thing. But, on the whole, I don't feel like myself, which is weird for me. I mean I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy. I'm not excited or angry. I just kind of am. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm okay. Just not exactly feeling like me. I'm trying not to worry and not obsess over things I don't have control over (read everything! lol). I am truly blessed I know that. And, so I am trying to concentrate on my blessings. I see my friends struggling with things and I so want to help them, yet I can't. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time and some days, it one minute at a time.
Until next time,
Have a beer or a glass of wine and spend time with the one you love :)
Love,
Me
Friday, May 21, 2010
The bracelet, the Owl and the Compass
This evening I come home after a long day. I go upstairs into my bathroom and, I take off my bracelets that my Carol gave me (that I didn't give away lol). I then take off my black cross necklace that my Julie gave me as my birthday present a couple years ago (I didn't forget yours, I promise, I'm still searching trying to find what I'm looking for) and then I see my pms shot glass that my Tina gave me by my sink. I see both pictures of me and Carol and me and Julie on my sink and the thought wanders through on how I am surrounded by those I love all the time.
I got to spend quite a bit of time with my Carol today. A few precious hours. We talked about nothing. No, really, I mean, it wasn't quantum physics, it wasn't the kids, it was just talk about nothing and I loved every second of it. Then, she and I got to sing at Billy's funeral. She stood next to me and it felt so good to have her so close. In one of the eulogies, it was mentioned that the person giving the eulogy and Billy were at the same table during CHRP and became good friends right after. I turned to look at my Carol and smiled. That's US I thought! I don't get to spend much time with my Carol, or my Julie, or my Tina. So, the times we do share, the phone calls, the emails, the texts, those are what are most precious to me.
Everyday I go out, that I'm not in my work uniform, I put on my bracelets from Carol. At least twice a week, I'm wearing my Julie's necklace and everyday, I see my PMS shotglass from Tina. And, while I don't get to be with them everyday, they are with me, everyday.
I was describing my friendship with my Julie to someone a couple weeks ago (I can't remember who it was) and I said that she was my breath. Carol is my home. Tina, she is my sanity and Julie, Julie is my breath. I can't breathe without her. She and I, we are cut from the same, small and tattered, soft, beautiful cloth. We are tea cups. She and I, we are defying gravity. We are friends... for good. She is one of my most important links to Jesus. If Jesus is my compass (as Julie likes to say), the Julie is the case that holds the needle that points to Jesus. Me? I'm the little part at the end where you put the strap through. Not overly important, but useful nonetheless :)
Then, I come into my bedroom and there is a picture of me with My Sharon. She's stronger than Sisyphus and wiser than the owl in the hundred acre wood. She is only a phone call or an email away, and she'll BE HERE NEXT WEEK!!! She's very wise. She's the one whom I go to when things don't always make sense. She speaks Gina very well and translates life into Gina and then I understand things a lot better. When I grow up, I want to be like her! But I digress. I am not only surrounded by the people I love everyday, whether it be by wearing their jewelry or seeing their pictures, I am surrounded by Jesus.
Jesus is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year. He is present in my friendships, my love, my faith, my work. He calls to me to come to Him. I wish I could say every time He calls I go running willingly, but not so much. And, that's okay. I didn't say it was right, I said it was okay. Yea, I'm not having the best go round this last little bit of time, but so what?! Everyone has something. And, like Father Tim says, 'just look to the Cross'. And, that's what I do. I know that no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I can call on Him, and He will be there. I can't tell you how many times I've asked Him to just hold me, or asked the Virgin Mary to hold me and wrap me in her mantle. My faith is like a huge tree firmly rooted in my faith. Sure, big bad winds come and my branches sway and I may loose some leaves, but in the end, I am still standing.
So, everyday, I clothe myself with my Carol, Tina, Julie and Sharon. I have Christ behind me, before me, and within me. Then, I go outside ready to face the world, after I have my coffee of course.
Until next time,
Say a prayer for Billy and the entire Harrison and Church families
Love,
Me
I got to spend quite a bit of time with my Carol today. A few precious hours. We talked about nothing. No, really, I mean, it wasn't quantum physics, it wasn't the kids, it was just talk about nothing and I loved every second of it. Then, she and I got to sing at Billy's funeral. She stood next to me and it felt so good to have her so close. In one of the eulogies, it was mentioned that the person giving the eulogy and Billy were at the same table during CHRP and became good friends right after. I turned to look at my Carol and smiled. That's US I thought! I don't get to spend much time with my Carol, or my Julie, or my Tina. So, the times we do share, the phone calls, the emails, the texts, those are what are most precious to me.
Everyday I go out, that I'm not in my work uniform, I put on my bracelets from Carol. At least twice a week, I'm wearing my Julie's necklace and everyday, I see my PMS shotglass from Tina. And, while I don't get to be with them everyday, they are with me, everyday.
I was describing my friendship with my Julie to someone a couple weeks ago (I can't remember who it was) and I said that she was my breath. Carol is my home. Tina, she is my sanity and Julie, Julie is my breath. I can't breathe without her. She and I, we are cut from the same, small and tattered, soft, beautiful cloth. We are tea cups. She and I, we are defying gravity. We are friends... for good. She is one of my most important links to Jesus. If Jesus is my compass (as Julie likes to say), the Julie is the case that holds the needle that points to Jesus. Me? I'm the little part at the end where you put the strap through. Not overly important, but useful nonetheless :)
Then, I come into my bedroom and there is a picture of me with My Sharon. She's stronger than Sisyphus and wiser than the owl in the hundred acre wood. She is only a phone call or an email away, and she'll BE HERE NEXT WEEK!!! She's very wise. She's the one whom I go to when things don't always make sense. She speaks Gina very well and translates life into Gina and then I understand things a lot better. When I grow up, I want to be like her! But I digress. I am not only surrounded by the people I love everyday, whether it be by wearing their jewelry or seeing their pictures, I am surrounded by Jesus.
Jesus is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year. He is present in my friendships, my love, my faith, my work. He calls to me to come to Him. I wish I could say every time He calls I go running willingly, but not so much. And, that's okay. I didn't say it was right, I said it was okay. Yea, I'm not having the best go round this last little bit of time, but so what?! Everyone has something. And, like Father Tim says, 'just look to the Cross'. And, that's what I do. I know that no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I can call on Him, and He will be there. I can't tell you how many times I've asked Him to just hold me, or asked the Virgin Mary to hold me and wrap me in her mantle. My faith is like a huge tree firmly rooted in my faith. Sure, big bad winds come and my branches sway and I may loose some leaves, but in the end, I am still standing.
So, everyday, I clothe myself with my Carol, Tina, Julie and Sharon. I have Christ behind me, before me, and within me. Then, I go outside ready to face the world, after I have my coffee of course.
Until next time,
Say a prayer for Billy and the entire Harrison and Church families
Love,
Me
Thursday, May 6, 2010
So. I'm driving to the dr's this morning. And, on the way, I start to cry. Not full blown crying mind you. But the quiet kind where tears stream down your face. That kind. I pull myself together as I arrived. It's finally my turn and the nurse weighs me. Why is it that the dr's scales are always more than the ones at home? I don't know the answer to that one either.
Anyways, the nurse takes my vitals and asks me how I am. "Dude!" I think to myself. "that's a loaded question!" So, I tell her how I am. Really. And, I start to cry. Then, Dr. B comes in and says "so, what's been going on?" Another loaded question. So, I tell him whats going on. And my fears of going back on the meds. And, I cry yet again. OF COURSE he says I have to go back on them! I keep forgetting I'm not in the drivers seat. Here's the thing though. Jesus was with me all day today (as He is everyday). I felt calm, even though I was crying, on my way to the dr's. I was calm in the room (even though I was crying). And, Jesus spoke through Dr. B. He sat there with me for what seemed like an hour, but was actually about 15-20 minutes.
Surprisingly, I tell him everything. I tell him how I've known I've needed to come for a while now. But, in coming, I knew I'd probably go back on the meds and that means admitting that I can't do it on my own. I didn't get the physical today. Dr. B wants to see me in two weeks. Then, we'll see how I'm doing and then maybe do the physical then. "There's plenty of time to get your physical done. Let's get you better first." He says.
So, I leave the dr's not happy, but accepting. Does that make sense? Go to the pharmacy and get my meds. Sigh. I go home to get ready for work, and I take my medicine. I'm not happy about it, but I take it.
So far, day one, aside from being tired and a headache, hasn't been too bad. I've felt relatively calm all day. So, I guess that's a good thing. I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. More so, that my spine is the only thing keeping me upright (not sure if that's the meds or I'm just tired from this roller coaster).
The cool thing is the gifts that Jesus has given me today. He has my sister text me (so sweet), He has Dr. B sit with me for a while and just talk to me. He has a friendship at work growing closer (which I just LOVE making new friends :) Good ones are so hard to come by!) He gave me the gift of my medicine. Yes, I am choosing to look at it like a gift. He had my friend call me this morning to see how my apt went. He gave me a afternoon visit with my Julie and some of our friends. Then, He blessed me further by giving me some private Julie time with her and one of our friends. And, He spent the morning consoling me and cheering me this morning.
That last one was weird, if you ask me. But in a good way. As I am leaving Dr. B's, defeated, He says to me "What would you tell your friend if they came to you and they told you how they didn't want to go on meds?" So, I told Him. He says "Why isn't that good enough for you?" I guess it should be enough for me. Then, this afternoon, in my private Julie time, Bob sends His wisdom flying right out of her mouth to my ears. Bob is AMAZING. He is awesome at consoling! I left Julie's feeling so much better than I have in a very long time. Julie and Bob make an awesome team!
And, then it hit me just a little while ago. Jesus was with me as I drove to the dr's. He was in the room with me, in the car to CVS, at work, at Julies (definitely at Julies! lol). He was with me the entire day. Just like He is everyday. How many days do I fail to notice His presence? That saddens me. Sadly, I take for granted that He is with me everyday. If I didn't, I would be nicer to people (trust me, I can be not nice a LOT), I would talk kinder, be gentler, and truly treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I'd be a better mom to my kids, a better wife to my loving husband, and a better daughter to my father-in-law.
Am I the only one here who feels like the season of Lent is STILL going? Show of hands, anyone?
On the Mema watch front, this has been a tough week for her health wise. Hospice came again today. Please pray for a peaceful death for her.
Until next time,
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh
Love,
Me
Anyways, the nurse takes my vitals and asks me how I am. "Dude!" I think to myself. "that's a loaded question!" So, I tell her how I am. Really. And, I start to cry. Then, Dr. B comes in and says "so, what's been going on?" Another loaded question. So, I tell him whats going on. And my fears of going back on the meds. And, I cry yet again. OF COURSE he says I have to go back on them! I keep forgetting I'm not in the drivers seat. Here's the thing though. Jesus was with me all day today (as He is everyday). I felt calm, even though I was crying, on my way to the dr's. I was calm in the room (even though I was crying). And, Jesus spoke through Dr. B. He sat there with me for what seemed like an hour, but was actually about 15-20 minutes.
Surprisingly, I tell him everything. I tell him how I've known I've needed to come for a while now. But, in coming, I knew I'd probably go back on the meds and that means admitting that I can't do it on my own. I didn't get the physical today. Dr. B wants to see me in two weeks. Then, we'll see how I'm doing and then maybe do the physical then. "There's plenty of time to get your physical done. Let's get you better first." He says.
So, I leave the dr's not happy, but accepting. Does that make sense? Go to the pharmacy and get my meds. Sigh. I go home to get ready for work, and I take my medicine. I'm not happy about it, but I take it.
So far, day one, aside from being tired and a headache, hasn't been too bad. I've felt relatively calm all day. So, I guess that's a good thing. I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. More so, that my spine is the only thing keeping me upright (not sure if that's the meds or I'm just tired from this roller coaster).
The cool thing is the gifts that Jesus has given me today. He has my sister text me (so sweet), He has Dr. B sit with me for a while and just talk to me. He has a friendship at work growing closer (which I just LOVE making new friends :) Good ones are so hard to come by!) He gave me the gift of my medicine. Yes, I am choosing to look at it like a gift. He had my friend call me this morning to see how my apt went. He gave me a afternoon visit with my Julie and some of our friends. Then, He blessed me further by giving me some private Julie time with her and one of our friends. And, He spent the morning consoling me and cheering me this morning.
That last one was weird, if you ask me. But in a good way. As I am leaving Dr. B's, defeated, He says to me "What would you tell your friend if they came to you and they told you how they didn't want to go on meds?" So, I told Him. He says "Why isn't that good enough for you?" I guess it should be enough for me. Then, this afternoon, in my private Julie time, Bob sends His wisdom flying right out of her mouth to my ears. Bob is AMAZING. He is awesome at consoling! I left Julie's feeling so much better than I have in a very long time. Julie and Bob make an awesome team!
And, then it hit me just a little while ago. Jesus was with me as I drove to the dr's. He was in the room with me, in the car to CVS, at work, at Julies (definitely at Julies! lol). He was with me the entire day. Just like He is everyday. How many days do I fail to notice His presence? That saddens me. Sadly, I take for granted that He is with me everyday. If I didn't, I would be nicer to people (trust me, I can be not nice a LOT), I would talk kinder, be gentler, and truly treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I'd be a better mom to my kids, a better wife to my loving husband, and a better daughter to my father-in-law.
Am I the only one here who feels like the season of Lent is STILL going? Show of hands, anyone?
On the Mema watch front, this has been a tough week for her health wise. Hospice came again today. Please pray for a peaceful death for her.
Until next time,
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh
Love,
Me
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So, my sister Tina calls me last week. She's all turned around over Mema. She wants to go visit her. She was just there two weeks ago, but with her impending death, still wants to go. What do I think, she wants to know. So, I tell her 'go'. If you can go, go. And she does.
She's sad that I cannot go see Mema. But she is happy that we had our August Trip to see her. I tell her 'yes' and 'it was lovely'. What I don't tell her is that it was too short. It was a few hour visit. Granted, that's all we could do at the time. Not sure if you remember, but five states, six days, 23 hours in the car (something like that), and seventeen relatives visited...a few hours were all we had. So, I don't tell her that it was too short for me, b/c this would make my sister feel bad. She already feels bad that I can't go see Mema. I'm not gonna make her feel worse. So, I tell her this...I tell her that 'maybe, this is what God's plan is for me right now, to not see her before she passes. And, I accept that. I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it at all. But, it is His plan, so I'm okay.' Funny thing is, I'm not okay. I keep telling myself I am, but I'm not.
Mema has had a difficult time the last couple days. My heart grows heavier and lighter at the same time. I cannot explain it. You have to go through it to experience it, yet, I would never wish this on anyone. So, I offer it up to my God. Surely, my suffering is good for something.
Yesterday, I finally gave myself permission to fall into the hole that has been following me. And, somehow, there is freeing in the falling. I know that while I'm in the hole, God will be there with me. He never leaves me. So, I feel comfortable falling. I don't know how deep the hole is, or how far down I'm going to fall, I just know that it's okay to fall. The only thing I don't like about falling is that it scares George. He doesn't know what to do with me. I've become less me. Less lively. More introspective. More quiet. And, it's not like I'm thinking deep profound thoughts. I think of nothing. I just zone out, catching glimpses of conversations, or tv. I just fall deep into myself and zone away. My poor husband. I know the helplessness he is feeling. I wish I could give him something to do, or tell him how to fix it. But, there is no way to fix this. Only time. Time, and my Savior. And then, in the light of day, while the kids are up and I am around others, I plaster on my smile so the world doesn't know of the heartache that is deep within my soul.
Tomorrow, I have my yearly physical. I'm pretty sure once I lay on him everything that's been going on, he's gonna want to put me back on my meds. Sigh. I'm really not looking forward to that. And, truth be told, the reason I don't want to go back on is b/c I occasionally like my margaritas. Sad, I know. Good thing I'm not on them now, a) it's May 5th and b) It's my friend Catherine's (Underwood) birthday and we are going out to celebrate! Happy Birthday, Catherine!!! But, I digress, in full disclosure, I don't want to go back on b/c then that means I couldn't handle life without them. And, that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak.
So, to recap, Mema is still dying, I'm finally falling into the hole, and I have a physical tomorrow.
Until next time,
Love the one your with.
Love,
Me
She's sad that I cannot go see Mema. But she is happy that we had our August Trip to see her. I tell her 'yes' and 'it was lovely'. What I don't tell her is that it was too short. It was a few hour visit. Granted, that's all we could do at the time. Not sure if you remember, but five states, six days, 23 hours in the car (something like that), and seventeen relatives visited...a few hours were all we had. So, I don't tell her that it was too short for me, b/c this would make my sister feel bad. She already feels bad that I can't go see Mema. I'm not gonna make her feel worse. So, I tell her this...I tell her that 'maybe, this is what God's plan is for me right now, to not see her before she passes. And, I accept that. I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it at all. But, it is His plan, so I'm okay.' Funny thing is, I'm not okay. I keep telling myself I am, but I'm not.
Mema has had a difficult time the last couple days. My heart grows heavier and lighter at the same time. I cannot explain it. You have to go through it to experience it, yet, I would never wish this on anyone. So, I offer it up to my God. Surely, my suffering is good for something.
Yesterday, I finally gave myself permission to fall into the hole that has been following me. And, somehow, there is freeing in the falling. I know that while I'm in the hole, God will be there with me. He never leaves me. So, I feel comfortable falling. I don't know how deep the hole is, or how far down I'm going to fall, I just know that it's okay to fall. The only thing I don't like about falling is that it scares George. He doesn't know what to do with me. I've become less me. Less lively. More introspective. More quiet. And, it's not like I'm thinking deep profound thoughts. I think of nothing. I just zone out, catching glimpses of conversations, or tv. I just fall deep into myself and zone away. My poor husband. I know the helplessness he is feeling. I wish I could give him something to do, or tell him how to fix it. But, there is no way to fix this. Only time. Time, and my Savior. And then, in the light of day, while the kids are up and I am around others, I plaster on my smile so the world doesn't know of the heartache that is deep within my soul.
Tomorrow, I have my yearly physical. I'm pretty sure once I lay on him everything that's been going on, he's gonna want to put me back on my meds. Sigh. I'm really not looking forward to that. And, truth be told, the reason I don't want to go back on is b/c I occasionally like my margaritas. Sad, I know. Good thing I'm not on them now, a) it's May 5th and b) It's my friend Catherine's (Underwood) birthday and we are going out to celebrate! Happy Birthday, Catherine!!! But, I digress, in full disclosure, I don't want to go back on b/c then that means I couldn't handle life without them. And, that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak.
So, to recap, Mema is still dying, I'm finally falling into the hole, and I have a physical tomorrow.
Until next time,
Love the one your with.
Love,
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)